This reminds me of your post about ‘legacy’. Tradition and patriarchy and legacy and that need to choose how to carry on when those before us have passed on. You carry burdens that I can’t imagine. (I’m very thankful to be a single Australian lady who leads a very simple life.)
But I can definitely understand grief and loss and how it can be balanced a little by hope for the future.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts and memories with us David. It is that time of year when we become more aware of changes and loss. I hope that 2024 somehow produces a more connected world and that we can all find joy in the little things. Take care my dear. All the best.
“The song ends but the melody lingers on.” Irving Berlin
I think you’ve touched on something so important here, David - the way that grief anchors us to the past. I know that’s true for me...but what I don’t know is if it’s always good. Thank you.
Dec 30, 2023·edited Dec 30, 2023Liked by david roberts
-- Oh, David. This thought-provoking piece encourages me to reflect on the passage of time. Your writing showcases a commendable blend of intellect and eloquence. Thank you. Xo.
I was curious to see how the audio works, although I will mainly read. I might want to do the same thing with my Substack. BUT I couldn't find the audio. Where does one look?
What a lovely post about your connection to your past, and your future. While you say their names, and tell their stories, they remain a part of the world.
Breaking a tradition is hard. My family house, that had been built by my great-great grandfather and handed down through the family, was sold a few years ago. I grew up in the house, and even though I lived abroad for some years, I went home to Scotland at least once a year. Last year, for the first time in 62 years, I did not spend any time in Scotland. Life moves on ...
Beautiful, raw, and meaningful. Thank you for sharing this with us. Grief sprouts from love, however complicated. One of the most human emotions we have the privilege in many ways to feel.
This was such an excellent piece Robert. Grief is such a tricky thing. My mother told me again and again that everyone grieves in their own way and for their own reasons so don't judge. I am sorry to report that I still catch myself judging from time to time.
Like when someone reports their horrible sadness over a celebrity dying when the bereaved never even met the celebrity. But then, I remember my sadness after hearing of Harry Chapin's untimely death.
David, did no one hand you the Patriarch Handbook? or that famous tome, Becoming the Elder? No? Yeah, me neither. Then, one day, you get your family together for Hanuka or some other occasion and you look at your kids, their partners, and their children and you realize you're it. You're now the eldest in the room and -- wait, what? I've got you by some number of years (75, 3 months short of 76 now) but there were moments when it struck me. I'm sort of accustomed to it now, as I see it almost every where. I am not older than 96% of the world population (https://www.ined.fr/en/everything_about_population/population-games/world-population-me/) I'm especially aware, though, as I watch my kids as parents of young adult kids. Things shift. Coming to terms with this is a process.
Oh, do you realize the new alliance that is forming? Trust me on this, it will be you and Max against that generation in between when the need arises. :)
There are so many striking layers to this. I almost wish I could read it as a novel or a memoire. I guess in today's world of auto-fiction it could be both! Once again, you've brought to mind something I have not thought about: the heavy burden of the patriarch/ matriarch. What it means to step into that role; all the power that flows to it and from it, none the least of which is the family mythology. You have some marvelous characters--the oilman; the UES lady in fur. And you, as a witness to these people, making your own identity in the shape of their approval. That's what a patriarch or matriarch does, isn't it?...They form the family values and see that we conform. And now the role is yours: I sense that you'll be benevolent and flexible and generous with the people who come next, perhaps sharing wisdom without the heavy hand of fear or control. What will that look like to them, I wonder? I also love the ghosts in the hotel--even the afterimage of the people still living; the kids little hand prints on the wall, now bringing their own son to your vacation. This family portrait is just so rich. You've made such meaning from it--I hope you are proud.
This is maybe my favourite piece of yours, David. There's a 30 year tradition in my family that ended this year, not with the death of any person, but with the ending of certain circumstances. I can feel your grief through the page, so deeply expressed, and feel that I've met and know your family through your description of them.
I hope you have many years to make new traditions, or continue in the old ones, or a combination of both.
Your grandson Max has the kind of smile that will enable him to sell a slightly used security to just about anybody.
This reminds me of your post about ‘legacy’. Tradition and patriarchy and legacy and that need to choose how to carry on when those before us have passed on. You carry burdens that I can’t imagine. (I’m very thankful to be a single Australian lady who leads a very simple life.)
But I can definitely understand grief and loss and how it can be balanced a little by hope for the future.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts and memories with us David. It is that time of year when we become more aware of changes and loss. I hope that 2024 somehow produces a more connected world and that we can all find joy in the little things. Take care my dear. All the best.
Beautiful essay--goes in surprising directions.
“The song ends but the melody lingers on.” Irving Berlin
I think you’ve touched on something so important here, David - the way that grief anchors us to the past. I know that’s true for me...but what I don’t know is if it’s always good. Thank you.
A moving essay, David, full of grace.
-- Oh, David. This thought-provoking piece encourages me to reflect on the passage of time. Your writing showcases a commendable blend of intellect and eloquence. Thank you. Xo.
I was curious to see how the audio works, although I will mainly read. I might want to do the same thing with my Substack. BUT I couldn't find the audio. Where does one look?
I looked everywhere but in the right place! It's funny how often one does that.
What a lovely post about your connection to your past, and your future. While you say their names, and tell their stories, they remain a part of the world.
Breaking a tradition is hard. My family house, that had been built by my great-great grandfather and handed down through the family, was sold a few years ago. I grew up in the house, and even though I lived abroad for some years, I went home to Scotland at least once a year. Last year, for the first time in 62 years, I did not spend any time in Scotland. Life moves on ...
Beautiful, raw, and meaningful. Thank you for sharing this with us. Grief sprouts from love, however complicated. One of the most human emotions we have the privilege in many ways to feel.
What a cutie, that Max ☺️
This was such an excellent piece Robert. Grief is such a tricky thing. My mother told me again and again that everyone grieves in their own way and for their own reasons so don't judge. I am sorry to report that I still catch myself judging from time to time.
Like when someone reports their horrible sadness over a celebrity dying when the bereaved never even met the celebrity. But then, I remember my sadness after hearing of Harry Chapin's untimely death.
Very tricky indeed.
David, did no one hand you the Patriarch Handbook? or that famous tome, Becoming the Elder? No? Yeah, me neither. Then, one day, you get your family together for Hanuka or some other occasion and you look at your kids, their partners, and their children and you realize you're it. You're now the eldest in the room and -- wait, what? I've got you by some number of years (75, 3 months short of 76 now) but there were moments when it struck me. I'm sort of accustomed to it now, as I see it almost every where. I am not older than 96% of the world population (https://www.ined.fr/en/everything_about_population/population-games/world-population-me/) I'm especially aware, though, as I watch my kids as parents of young adult kids. Things shift. Coming to terms with this is a process.
Oh, do you realize the new alliance that is forming? Trust me on this, it will be you and Max against that generation in between when the need arises. :)
I too have a Max who brings me joy!
There are so many striking layers to this. I almost wish I could read it as a novel or a memoire. I guess in today's world of auto-fiction it could be both! Once again, you've brought to mind something I have not thought about: the heavy burden of the patriarch/ matriarch. What it means to step into that role; all the power that flows to it and from it, none the least of which is the family mythology. You have some marvelous characters--the oilman; the UES lady in fur. And you, as a witness to these people, making your own identity in the shape of their approval. That's what a patriarch or matriarch does, isn't it?...They form the family values and see that we conform. And now the role is yours: I sense that you'll be benevolent and flexible and generous with the people who come next, perhaps sharing wisdom without the heavy hand of fear or control. What will that look like to them, I wonder? I also love the ghosts in the hotel--even the afterimage of the people still living; the kids little hand prints on the wall, now bringing their own son to your vacation. This family portrait is just so rich. You've made such meaning from it--I hope you are proud.
This is maybe my favourite piece of yours, David. There's a 30 year tradition in my family that ended this year, not with the death of any person, but with the ending of certain circumstances. I can feel your grief through the page, so deeply expressed, and feel that I've met and know your family through your description of them.
I hope you have many years to make new traditions, or continue in the old ones, or a combination of both.