I love “which alters when it altercation finds.” Married 53 years and survivors of an early separation, we are both firstborns, stubborn and quick to take offense. Rarely does either of us apologize to the other. It shouldn’t work but it does. We can’t imagine being apart. Love is not a rose, it’s a bindweed, that tough little bugger that cracks concrete with its root. We’ve learned to give each other lots of space for separate friendships, rituals, passions. Have you considered going to the Breakers without Debbie? Or does it take the whole family to kindle that special Breakers glow?
I’ve been eagerly awaiting this since you mentioned you were writing it. All I will tell you is that I - like Debbie- have walked along the beach before dawn in tears wondering if I stay or go and if I stay - how do we work our way through to a new / higher plane of understanding. As I haven’t received permission to share the trigger for the walk - I won’t share it. What I will say is that we’re both the better for it - our relationship too…and I think that’s the point. 💕
David this is pure delight! My husband and I have the same fight year after year at his parent’s (live-in!) country club in FL where I was once admonished by a gym attendant to “put this on.” I was handed a grossly oversized collared shirt to wear over my Lululemon (wide strap) tank top. Having not grown up at clubs I thought this deeply humiliating and offensive and I asked myself—isn’t the point of gentility NOT to embarrass guests? All to say—I appreciate deeply the awkwardness Debbie feels at a sock-less loafer environs and I also sympathize with you (as I do with my husband) in wanting to continue these family traditions. BUT that understanding drains right away when he announces plans for 18 holes.
Well-documented with easy to imagine scenes! Perhaps true in almost all marriages where being honest, open and transparent will reveal the cracks. Repairing the cracks can be an exercise in kintsugi, the Japanese art of making something beautiful out of that which is broken. Happy weekend to both of you.
We started watching "Poor Things" last night. About half-way through I git uo and went to bed. When Bella became a prostitute, my wife came to bed so neither of us found it particularly riveting or living up to the hype. Different strokes for different folks, I'm guessing. Art is like that. Some people like steak. I don't. That's OK, She can grill her own! I often cook for both of us, my choice, last night, New Orleans barbecued shrimp. She loved it.
Instead of the remote control, it is the thermostat for my partner and I, she loves it hot, I yield and tune into my love for hot yoga. A wise man once said “Happy wife, happy life”
Thanks for sharing this low moment in your marriage. I appreciate your ownership of your behavior. I must say I'm firmly in Debbie's camp. I share her rebellious streak, and that place sounds AWFUL. But if you love it so much, how about a middle ground solution? You take a trip there each year with your kids, and Debbie can have alone time that week, doing whatever she pleases?
Oh my goodness David, this one really got under my skin—meaning this is a terrific piece of writing. First, because this Debbie is 100% with your Debbie: the Breakers sounds just awful (yuck) and I can’t imagine spending a week there year after year! How and why did your Debbie agree to this?! The simplest answer is because she knew how much you loved it. Second, I’ve had some really terrible fights with my husband, usually as a result of his drinking too much. I’ve never said that publicly (I’m naively thinking Substack is a safe space to be “public”). But now that I’ve said it, I’m wondering if many of us shouldn’t be writing more about this kind of thing (the underbelly of long and loving marriages). Anyway, hats off to you for your honesty and sending my best to your Debbie!
I loved reading this, loved the way that even though you talk about fighting with Debbie, your portrait of her is so honest and loving and non-judgmental. I am Team Debbie for sure.
I love the candidness of this so much! I also am firmly in the Debbie camp- hi, fellow rebel here.
As for fights, my husband and I have had doozies over the course of 13 years together.
The most ridiculous being the time I was offended because he called his ex girlfriend Red while thanking her for wishing him a happy birthday. On Facebook. For everyone to see!
He innocently said "Thanks, Red." And I lost my mind. I yelled at him on his birthday about feeling disrespected and became even more enraged when he yelled back "I knew you'd be mad!"
Thinking back on it now I see how dumb I was being, and I had allowed old insecurities creep in. We made up over the delicious red velvet cake and can laugh about it all now.
The compromise is he's not going to do that again and I'm not going to allow old things to rear their ugly heads to the point that I become Medusa.
HA! All I can say is that I've told my wife...of almost forty years...that I'm glad no one is recording what we do in private. No, just that. Yes, it's the fights, but also the petty bickering, and, perhaps worst of all, the, well, infantile stuff married people say and do to each other. Pet names, phrases, silly stuff of many varieties. And we are both writers who work in the same house so we are together A LOT. We have been told we have an idyllic marriage and we do...but idyllic in public and idyllic in private are two very different things.
I love “which alters when it altercation finds.” Married 53 years and survivors of an early separation, we are both firstborns, stubborn and quick to take offense. Rarely does either of us apologize to the other. It shouldn’t work but it does. We can’t imagine being apart. Love is not a rose, it’s a bindweed, that tough little bugger that cracks concrete with its root. We’ve learned to give each other lots of space for separate friendships, rituals, passions. Have you considered going to the Breakers without Debbie? Or does it take the whole family to kindle that special Breakers glow?
I’ve been eagerly awaiting this since you mentioned you were writing it. All I will tell you is that I - like Debbie- have walked along the beach before dawn in tears wondering if I stay or go and if I stay - how do we work our way through to a new / higher plane of understanding. As I haven’t received permission to share the trigger for the walk - I won’t share it. What I will say is that we’re both the better for it - our relationship too…and I think that’s the point. 💕
David this is pure delight! My husband and I have the same fight year after year at his parent’s (live-in!) country club in FL where I was once admonished by a gym attendant to “put this on.” I was handed a grossly oversized collared shirt to wear over my Lululemon (wide strap) tank top. Having not grown up at clubs I thought this deeply humiliating and offensive and I asked myself—isn’t the point of gentility NOT to embarrass guests? All to say—I appreciate deeply the awkwardness Debbie feels at a sock-less loafer environs and I also sympathize with you (as I do with my husband) in wanting to continue these family traditions. BUT that understanding drains right away when he announces plans for 18 holes.
Well-documented with easy to imagine scenes! Perhaps true in almost all marriages where being honest, open and transparent will reveal the cracks. Repairing the cracks can be an exercise in kintsugi, the Japanese art of making something beautiful out of that which is broken. Happy weekend to both of you.
We started watching "Poor Things" last night. About half-way through I git uo and went to bed. When Bella became a prostitute, my wife came to bed so neither of us found it particularly riveting or living up to the hype. Different strokes for different folks, I'm guessing. Art is like that. Some people like steak. I don't. That's OK, She can grill her own! I often cook for both of us, my choice, last night, New Orleans barbecued shrimp. She loved it.
Instead of the remote control, it is the thermostat for my partner and I, she loves it hot, I yield and tune into my love for hot yoga. A wise man once said “Happy wife, happy life”
This is like dipping into the series White Lotus
Another moving post. Thanks for writing again about your long marriage. ❤️
Thanks for sharing this low moment in your marriage. I appreciate your ownership of your behavior. I must say I'm firmly in Debbie's camp. I share her rebellious streak, and that place sounds AWFUL. But if you love it so much, how about a middle ground solution? You take a trip there each year with your kids, and Debbie can have alone time that week, doing whatever she pleases?
Oh my goodness David, this one really got under my skin—meaning this is a terrific piece of writing. First, because this Debbie is 100% with your Debbie: the Breakers sounds just awful (yuck) and I can’t imagine spending a week there year after year! How and why did your Debbie agree to this?! The simplest answer is because she knew how much you loved it. Second, I’ve had some really terrible fights with my husband, usually as a result of his drinking too much. I’ve never said that publicly (I’m naively thinking Substack is a safe space to be “public”). But now that I’ve said it, I’m wondering if many of us shouldn’t be writing more about this kind of thing (the underbelly of long and loving marriages). Anyway, hats off to you for your honesty and sending my best to your Debbie!
I loved reading this, loved the way that even though you talk about fighting with Debbie, your portrait of her is so honest and loving and non-judgmental. I am Team Debbie for sure.
Maybe a compromise vacation at Mohonk? Super expensive like Breakers but maybe more Debbie’s vibe.
Been married 47 years since barely 23. My advice for guys - - -
Say Yes early 😊
Lovely photo... you are a lucky man! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH6TJU0qWoY
I love the candidness of this so much! I also am firmly in the Debbie camp- hi, fellow rebel here.
As for fights, my husband and I have had doozies over the course of 13 years together.
The most ridiculous being the time I was offended because he called his ex girlfriend Red while thanking her for wishing him a happy birthday. On Facebook. For everyone to see!
He innocently said "Thanks, Red." And I lost my mind. I yelled at him on his birthday about feeling disrespected and became even more enraged when he yelled back "I knew you'd be mad!"
Thinking back on it now I see how dumb I was being, and I had allowed old insecurities creep in. We made up over the delicious red velvet cake and can laugh about it all now.
The compromise is he's not going to do that again and I'm not going to allow old things to rear their ugly heads to the point that I become Medusa.
Love wins in the end 🫶🏻
So, I want to be friends with Debbie…
HA! All I can say is that I've told my wife...of almost forty years...that I'm glad no one is recording what we do in private. No, just that. Yes, it's the fights, but also the petty bickering, and, perhaps worst of all, the, well, infantile stuff married people say and do to each other. Pet names, phrases, silly stuff of many varieties. And we are both writers who work in the same house so we are together A LOT. We have been told we have an idyllic marriage and we do...but idyllic in public and idyllic in private are two very different things.