Several random points… I love that Tennyson poem, too. How interesting to tie it to the themes in your life.
And we recently celebrated the life of peer of mine who passed at 51. Part of me envied how easy things came to him, but another part of me was just so happy he was a successful person too because he was a good guy and very generous with his time and energy.
I also have a soft spot for dinosaur video games. I used to play Dinocrisis which had a lot of jump scares. I think it’s a different type of game than Michael’s but I believe it came out in the same timeframe. I, too, was inept!
ooo David love this one! you nail the point you’re trying to make… with a perfectly articulated details so we’re my right there with you (t ‘n oting up the firm’s earnings, and your share, every morning; the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear that you’d been passed over to become one of the founders;
oops published before I finished, typos and all. the last example was how you used coming home for dinner as both a positive - and then the stroke against you.
"Do you recall moments when something has been revealed to you in an unexpected and unsettling time and place?" For someone like me--who plans everything -- experiencing this is a terrible, traumatizing experience. It's not so much the nature of what is revealed, but the moment of suspended animation that comes with being caught unaware, and unsure of how to proceed. With enough forewarning, I may have been able to problem solve and determine how I would pivot -- which takes some of the sting off because although the news is not necessarily welcome, I know how I will deal / cope and that somehow makes it less bad. Taken by surprise, I don't have the luxury of running through those thoughts instead I just feel exposed and vulnerable.
Also, though Odysseus was ”match’d with an aged wife", I always thought of him as, at best, an anti-hero who's arrogance, pride, and stubbornness placed his men in unnecessary danger. Penelope was clearly the better half of that pair.
Enjoyed this. Especially how setting boundaries can stake out our own life - can cost us money or ego. And how sometimes even though we’ve made the choices we wanted the ego is like well what if you were the biggest boss/star of the work arena.
I knew/know many people who are highly successful in work, but that work was taken away fast by changes in the company, other rising stars, etc. Family is all that truly matters.
This is really beautiful. You are such a good role model as a husband and father. Do you have any single friends in their forties, fifties or sixties in the Philadelphia area? Just kidding.
Gosh. Your question brought back a terrible memory I have managed to park at the back of my mind. It must have been in the 1990s or so. I was hired by an agency to write a booklet on a not particularly exciting subject that I won't bore you with (I work freelance, so I was hired just for the job). It required working with a Committee who was going to make most of the running, with my copy being the final text. It is a job I have done many times and done well – and I love doing it because I learn a lot, while being able to use my writing skills.
At the first meeting, I offered a rough outline of what I thought the booklet might cover (which would serve to structure the subsequent meetings) and I wrote the beginning of an Introduction, so they could see my writing style. No comment. We met for months, with my adding new chapters as decisions were made. At a near final meeting, when I had talked to the people who hired me for some time prior to the meeting, I was told early on IN the meeting, that what I had produced was "not remotely what we wanted in form, tone or structure".
If it were me now, I think I would have said "Well, I gave you plenty of information early on, why didn't you say something sooner? And, in the interests of politeness, why didn't you warn me that you had this view rather than spring it on me in a meeting of 20 Committee members?" BUT I just kept quiet and fought back a sense of incredible embarrassment.
Not quite of the same importance as what you learned at the funeral, but it was awful – and many Committee members spoke sympathetically and apologetically to me afterward.
Happily, it was a rare experience of generally very happy (on both sides) freelance work.
It’s always so easy to think after the event how we could have responded, but the shock means we’re left with an automatic reaction and masking our shock and pain seems so often to be the way we react. How frustrating and DAFT of them to not let you know at the beginning!! It is easy to adapt a style, but all that wasted time and effort!!! Grrrrrr. 😠
We are brought up to be polite and not angry in public. And doing so would not have changed things, but might have made me feel less humiliated. I just wrote to David that the sad thing was that my husband and I had planned a weekend away together in the countryside without the kids, starting immediately after that meeting. He is highly sensitive (the effect of a seriously alcoholic mother) and the minute he saw me, he knew something was very wrong – and our weekend was less jolly than we had hoped!
Thank you. I haven't thought about it for years, but it was just what you said - learning bad news quite unexpectedly. I ended up cross with them and cross with myself, but I guess it's all a bit of learning. The sad thing was that my husband and I had planned a weekend away together in the countryside without the kids, starting immediately after that meeting. He is highly sensitive (the effect of a seriously alcoholic mother) and the minute he saw me, he knew something was very wrong – and our weekend was less jolly than we had hoped!
My wife, now a retired psychotherapist, did her intern work at a hospice. In their final hours, nobody wishes they had worked longer hours or spent more time estranged from loved ones. That one’s eulogy be a listing of professional accomplishments is indeed sad. Your priorities may not make you a “name”, but certainly make you human and a mensch.
Loved this and thought about my parents who always wanted to be with each other, not schmoozing strangers. After ten years of teaching English at a huge, well regarded high school I was inspired to write a proposal for a writing center with the support of a professor of writing at Northwestern who planned to supply grad student tutors and also to teach, with me, other teachers how to teach writing. I totally ignored the politics hoping something so beneficial to my students would be an easy win. After several attempts to wrest the control of the project away from me the administration advertised the job and hired someone cheaper and ill prepared. Northwestern withdrew and I quit. It took years to recover from the betrayal. Sometimes I blamed jealousy over my publication of a novel but really I think I had failed to ingratiate myself with those that held the ultimate power.
That sounds so frustrating. A certain type of bureaucrat cannot stand any loss of control. I'm dealing with that now in another arena. The stakes are not at all high for me so it's amusing to watch. And will be instructive for the person's boss.
Such an interesting piece, you've covered so many things to ruminate about. The Nanousaur story is so relatable. I had a similar experience with a game called 'Descent' I believe, and involved an old school joystick. It was my first time playing any computer games at all and I thought I was doing famously, navigating so well and keeping everything on course. I became quite animated, inviting everyone to check out my mad flying skills. My youngest son leaned in and said quietly: "Um, mum? You're flying on the ceiling right now."
Beautifully woven. I think the world is made of and requires both Ulysesses and Telemachuses's. The unattainable perfect balance that each of seeks on a small and private scale, is ultimately imposed by the universe, as best it can, on an incalculably large scale, in an ultimately unknowable way, for reasons beyond the reasoning of we mere "underlings". That's not to excuse evil acts or even bad behavior - just an observation.
Well, I'm certainly miffed about that founder - not only because of his thoughtlessness toward you, but because it doesn't sound like he did justice to Keith as a eulogist. The organizers did well to let you speak last, so the most human words would resonate longest.
What a wonderful use of Tennyson's poem. There are so many kinds of "profit" in this post. Ulysses might not have known how to turn anything but battle into a profit (nor the insensitive founder how to turn anything but hustle to a profit), but I think many of us parents have a version of your Nanosaur game, or else we'll be glad to remember your example and invest in that kind of "profit" as much as possible. Thank you for this post with many kinds of riches.
I think you made the right choice at the end of the day. It sounds like you have more than enough money for the rest of your days and enough status to be well respected by everyone. But those dinners with your family are something you’d never be able to get back. I’m a little surprised you wanted the promotion in the first place, but such is the allure of money and power.
Several random points… I love that Tennyson poem, too. How interesting to tie it to the themes in your life.
And we recently celebrated the life of peer of mine who passed at 51. Part of me envied how easy things came to him, but another part of me was just so happy he was a successful person too because he was a good guy and very generous with his time and energy.
I also have a soft spot for dinosaur video games. I used to play Dinocrisis which had a lot of jump scares. I think it’s a different type of game than Michael’s but I believe it came out in the same timeframe. I, too, was inept!
Thanks Zina, for the comment. My daughter has downloaded nanosaur and is playing to from nostalgia and because she remembers being very good at it.
I'm glad you were able to celebrate the life of your friend.
wonderful 🌹🌻🌸💐💚💛💜❤️🌼😍🥰
ooo David love this one! you nail the point you’re trying to make… with a perfectly articulated details so we’re my right there with you (t ‘n oting up the firm’s earnings, and your share, every morning; the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear that you’d been passed over to become one of the founders;
oops published before I finished, typos and all. the last example was how you used coming home for dinner as both a positive - and then the stroke against you.
Thanks Debbie. That pit in my stomach came back while i was writing this.
"Do you recall moments when something has been revealed to you in an unexpected and unsettling time and place?" For someone like me--who plans everything -- experiencing this is a terrible, traumatizing experience. It's not so much the nature of what is revealed, but the moment of suspended animation that comes with being caught unaware, and unsure of how to proceed. With enough forewarning, I may have been able to problem solve and determine how I would pivot -- which takes some of the sting off because although the news is not necessarily welcome, I know how I will deal / cope and that somehow makes it less bad. Taken by surprise, I don't have the luxury of running through those thoughts instead I just feel exposed and vulnerable.
Also, though Odysseus was ”match’d with an aged wife", I always thought of him as, at best, an anti-hero who's arrogance, pride, and stubbornness placed his men in unnecessary danger. Penelope was clearly the better half of that pair.
Thanks Elaine. And I agree about Odysseus. So did Dante who put him in the flames of hell for all his slaughter.
Enjoyed this. Especially how setting boundaries can stake out our own life - can cost us money or ego. And how sometimes even though we’ve made the choices we wanted the ego is like well what if you were the biggest boss/star of the work arena.
I’m sorry your friend died so young.
Thanks jen. It was tough to remember Keith. I suppose I never properly and completely grieved for him.
I knew/know many people who are highly successful in work, but that work was taken away fast by changes in the company, other rising stars, etc. Family is all that truly matters.
Lovely essay.
Thanks Alison.
Indeed. “I wish I spent more time at the office or in an airplane,” said no one on their death bed.
I shall have to look up that poem, thank you for sharing it. What a horrible way to find out you've been passed over. Not quite the same, but I recently mentioned, in the London section of this post https://open.substack.com/pub/terryfreedman/p/start-the-week-83?r=18suih&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web that I used to be famous, in my own sphere that is. There is a certain freedom in not being so any more.
Thanks Terry. And may you always avoid the taxman!
This is really beautiful. You are such a good role model as a husband and father. Do you have any single friends in their forties, fifties or sixties in the Philadelphia area? Just kidding.
April, thank you for your generous words!
Gosh. Your question brought back a terrible memory I have managed to park at the back of my mind. It must have been in the 1990s or so. I was hired by an agency to write a booklet on a not particularly exciting subject that I won't bore you with (I work freelance, so I was hired just for the job). It required working with a Committee who was going to make most of the running, with my copy being the final text. It is a job I have done many times and done well – and I love doing it because I learn a lot, while being able to use my writing skills.
At the first meeting, I offered a rough outline of what I thought the booklet might cover (which would serve to structure the subsequent meetings) and I wrote the beginning of an Introduction, so they could see my writing style. No comment. We met for months, with my adding new chapters as decisions were made. At a near final meeting, when I had talked to the people who hired me for some time prior to the meeting, I was told early on IN the meeting, that what I had produced was "not remotely what we wanted in form, tone or structure".
If it were me now, I think I would have said "Well, I gave you plenty of information early on, why didn't you say something sooner? And, in the interests of politeness, why didn't you warn me that you had this view rather than spring it on me in a meeting of 20 Committee members?" BUT I just kept quiet and fought back a sense of incredible embarrassment.
Not quite of the same importance as what you learned at the funeral, but it was awful – and many Committee members spoke sympathetically and apologetically to me afterward.
Happily, it was a rare experience of generally very happy (on both sides) freelance work.
It’s always so easy to think after the event how we could have responded, but the shock means we’re left with an automatic reaction and masking our shock and pain seems so often to be the way we react. How frustrating and DAFT of them to not let you know at the beginning!! It is easy to adapt a style, but all that wasted time and effort!!! Grrrrrr. 😠
We are brought up to be polite and not angry in public. And doing so would not have changed things, but might have made me feel less humiliated. I just wrote to David that the sad thing was that my husband and I had planned a weekend away together in the countryside without the kids, starting immediately after that meeting. He is highly sensitive (the effect of a seriously alcoholic mother) and the minute he saw me, he knew something was very wrong – and our weekend was less jolly than we had hoped!
Reading about your experience is making me angry on your behalf. How clueless and classless!
Thank you. I haven't thought about it for years, but it was just what you said - learning bad news quite unexpectedly. I ended up cross with them and cross with myself, but I guess it's all a bit of learning. The sad thing was that my husband and I had planned a weekend away together in the countryside without the kids, starting immediately after that meeting. He is highly sensitive (the effect of a seriously alcoholic mother) and the minute he saw me, he knew something was very wrong – and our weekend was less jolly than we had hoped!
My wife, now a retired psychotherapist, did her intern work at a hospice. In their final hours, nobody wishes they had worked longer hours or spent more time estranged from loved ones. That one’s eulogy be a listing of professional accomplishments is indeed sad. Your priorities may not make you a “name”, but certainly make you human and a mensch.
Thanks John!
Loved this and thought about my parents who always wanted to be with each other, not schmoozing strangers. After ten years of teaching English at a huge, well regarded high school I was inspired to write a proposal for a writing center with the support of a professor of writing at Northwestern who planned to supply grad student tutors and also to teach, with me, other teachers how to teach writing. I totally ignored the politics hoping something so beneficial to my students would be an easy win. After several attempts to wrest the control of the project away from me the administration advertised the job and hired someone cheaper and ill prepared. Northwestern withdrew and I quit. It took years to recover from the betrayal. Sometimes I blamed jealousy over my publication of a novel but really I think I had failed to ingratiate myself with those that held the ultimate power.
Molly,
That sounds so frustrating. A certain type of bureaucrat cannot stand any loss of control. I'm dealing with that now in another arena. The stakes are not at all high for me so it's amusing to watch. And will be instructive for the person's boss.
Such an interesting piece, you've covered so many things to ruminate about. The Nanousaur story is so relatable. I had a similar experience with a game called 'Descent' I believe, and involved an old school joystick. It was my first time playing any computer games at all and I thought I was doing famously, navigating so well and keeping everything on course. I became quite animated, inviting everyone to check out my mad flying skills. My youngest son leaned in and said quietly: "Um, mum? You're flying on the ceiling right now."
Sue, your son's comment made me laugh. Thank you!
Beautifully woven. I think the world is made of and requires both Ulysesses and Telemachuses's. The unattainable perfect balance that each of seeks on a small and private scale, is ultimately imposed by the universe, as best it can, on an incalculably large scale, in an ultimately unknowable way, for reasons beyond the reasoning of we mere "underlings". That's not to excuse evil acts or even bad behavior - just an observation.
Thanks Sam.
Well, I'm certainly miffed about that founder - not only because of his thoughtlessness toward you, but because it doesn't sound like he did justice to Keith as a eulogist. The organizers did well to let you speak last, so the most human words would resonate longest.
What a wonderful use of Tennyson's poem. There are so many kinds of "profit" in this post. Ulysses might not have known how to turn anything but battle into a profit (nor the insensitive founder how to turn anything but hustle to a profit), but I think many of us parents have a version of your Nanosaur game, or else we'll be glad to remember your example and invest in that kind of "profit" as much as possible. Thank you for this post with many kinds of riches.
Tara, I loved your word play with profit! And you are right that the Nanosaur incident has paid great dividends in family laughter over the years.
I was thinking the same thing! How inappropriate to mention a posthumous promotion at their funeral.
Yeah, I can’t imagine any style of delivery that would have made that appropriate. Ugh.
I think you made the right choice at the end of the day. It sounds like you have more than enough money for the rest of your days and enough status to be well respected by everyone. But those dinners with your family are something you’d never be able to get back. I’m a little surprised you wanted the promotion in the first place, but such is the allure of money and power.