Yes, I have writer's envy more often than writer's block.... what helps for me is to focus on the creative process rather than the end result. I write because I enjoy writing.
More spiritually, I write for God not for others. Michaelangelo and the Sistine Chapel comes to mind. Painting a section supposedly that would never be seen by those on the floor of the chapel he is asked why. He responds by saying that even though others won't see it, God will. I don't know if the story is true but it's meaning resonates with me
I don’t think in adulthood I’ve had peak envy. Had it all the time as a teenager. I think once you’ve built a life for yourself it’s very hard to see yourself stepping out of that. For better or for worse I suppose.
Fun read, David. This came up in the novel chapter I just posted, as envy of a woman’s comfort in her own skin, her gentle confidence and command of a situation. As someone with lifelong self-consciousness, I have felt that envy.
When younger, I envied more visibly successful architects, until my work was published in magazines and won awards. Those are fleeting satisfactions at best. So, what was I really envying?
About ten years ago, I learned something about envy. I envied a well-known writer’s blog — her pithy, clever essays, her engagement with readers. When my inner voice urged, start your own blog, I did. It was so satisfying, I grew as a writer, and I’m still mining that boneyard for material. Maybe envy is our soul’s way of nudging us to take a risk and grow. And, as you so thoughtfully observe, to appreciate what we have.
When I catch myself envying someone (usually another writer), I remember that I am also envied. Envy thrives on ignorance of the envied person’s whole, complicated life. Sara B. Franklin, in her biography of the legendary editor Judith Jones, recounts a story of the role envy played in Jones’s life. Jones couldn’t have children and longed for them. Sylvia Plath, one of her authors, seemed to have the perfect life—marriage to a dashing fellow poet, big garden, burgeoning career, adorable child and another on the way. And Plath put up a good front. Jones had no idea of the anguish Plath was facing on her descent toward suicide.
People tend to show others the best sides of themselves. Even writers including me, who strive for authenticity, vulnerability, etc. I censor my worst thoughts.
Excellent. I think if you are competitive by nature (as many men are, and women too, although differently) envy is a natural risk. With time and effort you can mostly defeat it. I don't agree however, that its opposite (as defined by the classics) kindness can be limitless without problem. Too much kindness IS a problem frankly (at least in the sense of empathy, YES you can have too much of it. I think in fact all the seven deadly sins and their opposites require balance, its the extremes that are the problem. For example, you absolutely need lust, to perpetuate the species, but desire can easily go too far. Too much kindness ends up with a lack of boundaries and discipline.
Thanks Steven. In terns of kindness, I was relying on being excessively charitable as the excessive opposite of greedy to think that kindness might be exempt from bad excess. Certainly an excess of empathy might stun you into entropy.
The problem not only but maybe especially with envy, I think, a.o. or mainly lies where someone being „ordinarily“ envious will hardly ever admit or even realize it - rather, they will rationalize it and, for example, claim that they were only just „standing in for justice“, „equality“ and all these „values“. „Equality“ for gays or blacks and further so-called „minorities“ - but should they turn to belonging to the minority of „rich“, it´s over with „equality“: such attitude is the most poor one, as it´s no longer about observing and appreciating an entire personality, but only about fragmenting and disaggregating: the humus for envy.
Truth. I’d never heard of Glennon ergo googled. Yup. She’s an influencer , obviously a fine author &, Amy Womack’s lover . My daughter was a hot shot soccer player in high school. Amy came to speak. Erin said she was “so full of herself. On an ego trip .” Fame and fortune. Enviable ? I praise writers who garner more 👍than I . Envy ? My 22 year old granddaughter. Brains. Beauty . Bold . Envy her youth. Onward.
Just to be clear, I don’t think that Glennon was taking anything from other people. I was representing a larger problem and society about how people feel and then how that got projected onto Glennon.I think the way it’s quoted here doesnt capture my ultimate point that Glennon gives back in a way that other ppl w her platform don’t. In terms of the envy situation, I’m sure people do envy Glennon—why wouldn’t they? But I don’t think that was what drove the concerns and criticism…at least not the ones I saw.
Thanks Kirsten. I chose that one quote from your essay because I thought it was most representative of your point that it was not about Glennon but about the zeitgeist of Wrath at inequality.
I think the answer to the question of why wouldn't people envy Glennon is because we don't know her. To envy her success as a writer is to envy one part of her whole life. And we don't know if she's even satisfied with that part of her life. Envy when dissected seems very irrational to me as opposed to being Wrathful about what is unjust.
Right that’s what I mean — why wouldn’t ppl envy her success if they are writers. There is nothing nefarious about that but as I said I don’t think this was about envy at least not w the comments I saw. It would be like saying a small business that didn’t want a big box store next door to them was just jealous when they were actually concerned about their survival. Personally I had no problem w her being here — I’m just trying to fairly represent the complaints as I saw them.
All human life is suffering. It’s hard to believe this when the person you envy seems superior in every way. Imagining their pain is an act of generosity, a stretch of empathy: the idea that no matter what gifts someone has, life still feels hard to them. Loss and grief are inherent to being alive, even for the fortunate.
But sometimes, I wonder if it’s more freeing to admit: yes, some people are luckier. And then what? Most of us still wouldn’t trade our lives entirely. Maybe it’s less helpful to tell ourselves everyone suffers, and more freeing to simply accept that some lives are out of reach—and keep going with our own.
With writers, it’s especially clear: critical and commercial success rarely align. Often, the ones praised for their intellect aren’t the ones with wide appeal, and success in one realm often means struggle in another.
Yes! I think about the hedonic treadmill very often. I do wonder how much of how positively or negatively we experience life is just intrinsic—for better or for worse
Once again, you strike with a great essay! I really enjoyed this. I've managed to keep my envy in check by a similar technique you use -- i.e. asking yourself: would you trade places with this person? I ask myself: what do I perceive they have that I want? How can I get that need met?
My recent 'peak envy' experience has been towards an acquaintance, who rising the ranks as a rock star. Funny enough - I have no musical talent but alas, here is my envy. I'm envious of, what I perceive as 'their success': a rockstar 'voice' that reverberates through their community.
(I better get working on my prose and building my Substack community!)
I'm also aware that sometimes our dreams and goals -- and therefore, what we are envious of in others -- is often, emblematic of the unmet needs we experienced as children. In this case, the desire to be loved, adored, heard and special.
Thanks for this essay! I always feel I could write an essay from your essays.
Thanks Ashley. Your last sentence is very high and very appreciated praise.
As for the rock star friend, I think you've wisely abstracted what they have that you want, which is a "voice," You have the means through your Substack to get it.
My envy is invariably situational, never personal. Eg: I may want the beautiful house, but I don't want to be the hedge fund guy who owns it. Also I think that there's probably a vast untapped market for celebrity Mr Potato Head parts (Day-Lewis cheekbones, Tom Cruise nose, etc). There are licensing issues but anything can be overcome.
Technical question: how do you do your footnotes? For the life of me, I've pressed every button available -- and even asked a chat bot, but nothing. What is your secret?
My occupation puts me in front of Doctors all day long. Early in my career I was envious of their status and privilege. As I got older I saw they were as equally as envious of me and my flexible lifestyle and daily freedom of control of my day. I began to appreciate what I had and was grateful for how lucky I was to have a life that makes me very happy. I’ve never missed any of my children’s events and leaned in on the ones I really enjoyed. I have very rewarding hobbies and wonderful friendships. Sometimes it takes a grateful perspective to realize what you envy in someone else is not even what you want.
Yes, I have writer's envy more often than writer's block.... what helps for me is to focus on the creative process rather than the end result. I write because I enjoy writing.
More spiritually, I write for God not for others. Michaelangelo and the Sistine Chapel comes to mind. Painting a section supposedly that would never be seen by those on the floor of the chapel he is asked why. He responds by saying that even though others won't see it, God will. I don't know if the story is true but it's meaning resonates with me
That’s beautiful.
I don’t think in adulthood I’ve had peak envy. Had it all the time as a teenager. I think once you’ve built a life for yourself it’s very hard to see yourself stepping out of that. For better or for worse I suppose.
Fun read, David. This came up in the novel chapter I just posted, as envy of a woman’s comfort in her own skin, her gentle confidence and command of a situation. As someone with lifelong self-consciousness, I have felt that envy.
When younger, I envied more visibly successful architects, until my work was published in magazines and won awards. Those are fleeting satisfactions at best. So, what was I really envying?
About ten years ago, I learned something about envy. I envied a well-known writer’s blog — her pithy, clever essays, her engagement with readers. When my inner voice urged, start your own blog, I did. It was so satisfying, I grew as a writer, and I’m still mining that boneyard for material. Maybe envy is our soul’s way of nudging us to take a risk and grow. And, as you so thoughtfully observe, to appreciate what we have.
Thanks Julie,
Good point. Envy can be motivating IF what you envy is attainable through your own efforts.
Or some part of it. I’m still not nearly as famous as that author whose blog I admired. 🙃
When I catch myself envying someone (usually another writer), I remember that I am also envied. Envy thrives on ignorance of the envied person’s whole, complicated life. Sara B. Franklin, in her biography of the legendary editor Judith Jones, recounts a story of the role envy played in Jones’s life. Jones couldn’t have children and longed for them. Sylvia Plath, one of her authors, seemed to have the perfect life—marriage to a dashing fellow poet, big garden, burgeoning career, adorable child and another on the way. And Plath put up a good front. Jones had no idea of the anguish Plath was facing on her descent toward suicide.
Thanks Rona,
People tend to show others the best sides of themselves. Even writers including me, who strive for authenticity, vulnerability, etc. I censor my worst thoughts.
Excellent. I think if you are competitive by nature (as many men are, and women too, although differently) envy is a natural risk. With time and effort you can mostly defeat it. I don't agree however, that its opposite (as defined by the classics) kindness can be limitless without problem. Too much kindness IS a problem frankly (at least in the sense of empathy, YES you can have too much of it. I think in fact all the seven deadly sins and their opposites require balance, its the extremes that are the problem. For example, you absolutely need lust, to perpetuate the species, but desire can easily go too far. Too much kindness ends up with a lack of boundaries and discipline.
Thanks Steven. In terns of kindness, I was relying on being excessively charitable as the excessive opposite of greedy to think that kindness might be exempt from bad excess. Certainly an excess of empathy might stun you into entropy.
The problem not only but maybe especially with envy, I think, a.o. or mainly lies where someone being „ordinarily“ envious will hardly ever admit or even realize it - rather, they will rationalize it and, for example, claim that they were only just „standing in for justice“, „equality“ and all these „values“. „Equality“ for gays or blacks and further so-called „minorities“ - but should they turn to belonging to the minority of „rich“, it´s over with „equality“: such attitude is the most poor one, as it´s no longer about observing and appreciating an entire personality, but only about fragmenting and disaggregating: the humus for envy.
Truth. I’d never heard of Glennon ergo googled. Yup. She’s an influencer , obviously a fine author &, Amy Womack’s lover . My daughter was a hot shot soccer player in high school. Amy came to speak. Erin said she was “so full of herself. On an ego trip .” Fame and fortune. Enviable ? I praise writers who garner more 👍than I . Envy ? My 22 year old granddaughter. Brains. Beauty . Bold . Envy her youth. Onward.
Thanks Jennifer. Sounds like you're mostly proud of your granddaughter!
The worst envy is the envy of nations of one another that leads to war. It's almost like if there were no envy, there would be no war.
Just to be clear, I don’t think that Glennon was taking anything from other people. I was representing a larger problem and society about how people feel and then how that got projected onto Glennon.I think the way it’s quoted here doesnt capture my ultimate point that Glennon gives back in a way that other ppl w her platform don’t. In terms of the envy situation, I’m sure people do envy Glennon—why wouldn’t they? But I don’t think that was what drove the concerns and criticism…at least not the ones I saw.
Thanks Kirsten. I chose that one quote from your essay because I thought it was most representative of your point that it was not about Glennon but about the zeitgeist of Wrath at inequality.
I think the answer to the question of why wouldn't people envy Glennon is because we don't know her. To envy her success as a writer is to envy one part of her whole life. And we don't know if she's even satisfied with that part of her life. Envy when dissected seems very irrational to me as opposed to being Wrathful about what is unjust.
Right that’s what I mean — why wouldn’t ppl envy her success if they are writers. There is nothing nefarious about that but as I said I don’t think this was about envy at least not w the comments I saw. It would be like saying a small business that didn’t want a big box store next door to them was just jealous when they were actually concerned about their survival. Personally I had no problem w her being here — I’m just trying to fairly represent the complaints as I saw them.
I envy Picasso but would I trade places with him? Naa, I’m good. I’m still standing. 😉
All human life is suffering. It’s hard to believe this when the person you envy seems superior in every way. Imagining their pain is an act of generosity, a stretch of empathy: the idea that no matter what gifts someone has, life still feels hard to them. Loss and grief are inherent to being alive, even for the fortunate.
But sometimes, I wonder if it’s more freeing to admit: yes, some people are luckier. And then what? Most of us still wouldn’t trade our lives entirely. Maybe it’s less helpful to tell ourselves everyone suffers, and more freeing to simply accept that some lives are out of reach—and keep going with our own.
With writers, it’s especially clear: critical and commercial success rarely align. Often, the ones praised for their intellect aren’t the ones with wide appeal, and success in one realm often means struggle in another.
Thanks Sophie. There is the concept of the hedonic treadmill where nothing ever feels like enough. So success can jade very quickly.
Is Stephen king happy? Maybe his unhappiness is what drove him to write out all his nightmares.
Yes! I think about the hedonic treadmill very often. I do wonder how much of how positively or negatively we experience life is just intrinsic—for better or for worse
Once again, you strike with a great essay! I really enjoyed this. I've managed to keep my envy in check by a similar technique you use -- i.e. asking yourself: would you trade places with this person? I ask myself: what do I perceive they have that I want? How can I get that need met?
My recent 'peak envy' experience has been towards an acquaintance, who rising the ranks as a rock star. Funny enough - I have no musical talent but alas, here is my envy. I'm envious of, what I perceive as 'their success': a rockstar 'voice' that reverberates through their community.
(I better get working on my prose and building my Substack community!)
I'm also aware that sometimes our dreams and goals -- and therefore, what we are envious of in others -- is often, emblematic of the unmet needs we experienced as children. In this case, the desire to be loved, adored, heard and special.
Thanks for this essay! I always feel I could write an essay from your essays.
Thanks Ashley. Your last sentence is very high and very appreciated praise.
As for the rock star friend, I think you've wisely abstracted what they have that you want, which is a "voice," You have the means through your Substack to get it.
My envy is invariably situational, never personal. Eg: I may want the beautiful house, but I don't want to be the hedge fund guy who owns it. Also I think that there's probably a vast untapped market for celebrity Mr Potato Head parts (Day-Lewis cheekbones, Tom Cruise nose, etc). There are licensing issues but anything can be overcome.
Technical question: how do you do your footnotes? For the life of me, I've pressed every button available -- and even asked a chat bot, but nothing. What is your secret?
There's a footnote button when you write your posts under "More"at the top, all the way to the right.
Thankyou! I thought I hit every button there but I will try this. 🙏🏼
Let me know if you can’t find it.
love the Mr. Potato Head exercise David!
My occupation puts me in front of Doctors all day long. Early in my career I was envious of their status and privilege. As I got older I saw they were as equally as envious of me and my flexible lifestyle and daily freedom of control of my day. I began to appreciate what I had and was grateful for how lucky I was to have a life that makes me very happy. I’ve never missed any of my children’s events and leaned in on the ones I really enjoyed. I have very rewarding hobbies and wonderful friendships. Sometimes it takes a grateful perspective to realize what you envy in someone else is not even what you want.
Thanks DJ for the comment. Having children definitely helps with perspective.