Another excellent article! You’re one of the only wealthy people I know who actually acknowledges the impact wealth has on your life. My relationship with my mother is anti fragile in large part because when I was growing up we were poor even though she worked three jobs. She never tried to hide the truth of our situation from me. I couldn’t have the things that other kids had. Some kids were not allowed to come to our apartment to play because we lived in a poor black neighborhood. I wore a lot of second hand clothes and was grateful for them. In adulthood I’ve both made good money and lost most everything. I know now that I’ll be fine. Unlike my rich or upper middle class friends I am scrappy and bounce. I developed the trade of teaching and can go back to substitute teaching anywhere anytime. There are no kids I am afraid of, no classroom I fear to walk in to no matter how urban or violent. I’m grateful for the ability to buy simple Christmas presents for my family and to make a small dinner for my mom and a friend. I hope that no matter how much money I ever make again I always buy what I can at the dollar store and save and give of time and money. My mom taught me to be tough and also forgiving of myself and others. As she ages, making sure she can be safe and comfortable is my top priority. I feel sorry for kids who grew up wealthy and never had to work for anything or have contact with the less fortunate. The real world will hit them hard.
April, thanks for the comment. Your experiences have certainly made you anti fragile. And I admire your mother and your devotion to her.
Growing up with wealth has mixed elements: your privilege can allow you to weather minor storms better but you would be unprepared for a deluge. I worry about that for myself and my kids.
Fine riff on antifragility. I've marveled many times at Nassim Taleb's neologism. Lots of people coin new words, and some of them are quite good. But after "antifragility" made the rounds, it was retroactively obvious that the language absolutely needed the word and that there had been a gaping conceptual hole waiting to be filled.
I've had many examples in my life of both surprisingly fragile and antifragile relationships. The first kind, if you have been very close, can be extremely painful, the latter kind deeply rewarding. I and my own oldest and best friend, since I was fifteen years old, had a disagreement about 8 years into the friendship, which seemed then quite a lengthy period. There have been 49 more years since. We didn't speak for a year. It was a little easier because we both had new girlfriends. But after that year, his girlfriend said, "Why don't you call him?" He did, and the friendship was repaired. About 40 years later, he and I were out to dinner together and probably for the first time in all those years, our falling out came up. I didn't even recall the cause. My friend, who has a far better memory than my good one, did, and told me. It was clear to me that I had been wrong. "That was a stupid reason," I said. He nodded but said nothing. He didn't crow at my acknowledgment. He knew I was wrong then, but he made the overture anyway. He'd known I was wrong all those years but never brought it up again.
P.S. Also about 40 years later, I wrote a letter to his coop board supporting his and his wife's application. The board president told him it was the most glowing letter they had ever received on behalf of any buyer. So I tried to pay him back. :) And there was a lot in between.
Thanks Jay. I really deserted my friend. He reacted by denouncing our marriage. I disinvited him to the wedding. Classic escalation! Your girlfriend gets a lot of credit for healing the breach!
You have just helped me realize why a friendship, I had thought was important, ended. It was a transactional relationship, which made it very, very fragile.
Love this. Those relationships that require lots of tip-toeing are ones I have only maintained by necessity (sister). I can react like a hurt mommy to my son’s honesty or be willing to see him as something other than an extension of myself and not be hurt by his trust in our resilience. My most fragile relationship was with my father who could be very cruel as well as so kind. I lived for his attention and was shattered by his criticism. I love that you called your daughter “sturdy”. Such a dad mistake!
Anti-fragility: What an interesting concept to apply to relationships. A newish friend is highly distractible and prone to disappearing on me. I don’t take it personally, as we always sparkle and confide when we’re together. This is just how she is, and as a result I am never entirely confident in her ability to be fully present. By contrast, my husband and I have come through a separation, a near-separation and an affair (his, long ago). We’ve tested each other hard. I can’t imagine not being together.
Excellent article on best way to deal with relationships. I can use this antifragile concept in working with self-publishing service experts in my cover redesign and book description blurb. Their viewpoint is to that a novel should be written nearer to way similar novels are written that have had good sales. So the book cover design could be figured out pretty easily as would be the marketing with a good book blurb. There viewpoint is if the novel is not good enough, everyone is wasting their time and money on cover and marketing if there seems to be no way it could sell based on more usual expert ideas of good cover and blurb production. Sort of the perfection or near perfect versus very good. B movies or B books are difficult to sell especially for people who only want help with the merchandising of A books. So I have to be antifragile by feeling okay about my B book. When you are older you don't know how much time you have to craft a B book into an A book. And in talking with the cover designer what info does this designer need to make some sort of workaround from the book being a B rather than A book? I can be antifragile by accepting the possibility that a really good cover might be extremely difficult but not impossible same as with the design of a good book blurb. But if I have brains enough to write a B book then there has to be some way to design a good effective book cover and a good effective book blurb. I can say to this person that a good book cover is possible and if the new design doesn't work, it's pick myself up like Rocky and work up another one with the book cover or book blurb designer. I allow for it being very difficult but not impossible so being antifragile makes it closer to possible and further from impossible. So thanks for this great post and this great concept. It excellent for achieving great friends, a good book cover and a good book marketing blurb.
What a wonderful, helpful piece, David. I had a similarly fragile relationship with my mom, kept on the rails, often, by the specter of past cut-offs between us.
My wife and I have been married nearly 20 years, and she taught me early on that people can argue, even fiercely at times, and still have a loving, stable marriage. Having come from a background where relationship disputes invariably ended with someone storming out permanently (my mom had six husbands), this was an utter revelation. I'm glad to have a term (or a heuristic!) for it now.
I really like what you've shared here about parenting. What a wonderful thing that your son said you didn't seem like yourself. That this was not the you that he knew and loved, but something other, and temporary.
I was driving with my daughter the other day, and we were disagreeing over something inconsequential, and as I dropped her off, she said, "You're being so dismissive of me," and shut the door. Of course this gutted me, so I texted her an apology and a little gif of the Grinch's heart growing from tiny to normal sized, and she laughed, and all was forgotten. If there's one thing I hope for in my relationship with my kids is that they can tell me anything, especially when I've unintentionally left them feeling hurt. I want them to feel this anti-fragility, that there's nothing they could ever do or say to diminish my love for them.
Thanks Rob for sharing your own insights and stories. Your tale of your daughter reminded me that humor is generally the best antidote to these quarrels as long as both people are laughing!
Happy Holidays everyone. Thank you David. I know Steve. He is on my list of people with the best “Let’s GO!!!” energy. (Super sweet wife too). Random thoughts- my mom had rage issues and took it out on us verbally when she was unhappy. Also, she was sometimes ridiculous with our well being. She wanted teen-me to drive with an inflatable human doll at night so other motorists would not know I was alone and harm me (decades later, drivers did just that to drive illegally in HOV lanes- so mom was onto to something). But I have only recently realized my kind, sweet, quiet, funny Dad should have stood up to my mom - for me- more. I conclude they both did their best. No matter what, I was very loved by my parents and that was antifragile. Be well.
This post has magical qualities. After I first read it, I had commented to you that it gave me hope for a childhood friend of my own that I thought was lost (circumstantially, through vastly different life experiences). It was her birthday yesterday and I sent her a quick text wishing her a happy bday, and now we are going to have a catch up call this weekend. We were always very different people, but were best friends since second grade - so we were little girls, then crazy teenagers, then twenty something’s, then thirty something’s together…she got married the same year I got divorced and that put a fork in the road for us. I’m excited to reconnect, and probably wouldn’t have reached out (for the first time ever) if not for your story with Steve.
I love this post. I’ve been married for 33 years- not fragile. My husband has stage 4 cancer. Turns out various friendships I had were fragile-they bailed when it got tough. But I’ve been delighted by other old friends showing up, ready to support us. My adult kids are definitely no longer fragile, after a long night of waiting for the brain surgeon to tell us if he lived, and 2.5 years of chemotherapy etc- my kids it turns out are rock solid. And we are all closer due to the trauma we faced. Obviously it could have gone the other way. Several other young people we supported for many years disappeared on us and in retrospect that’s not surprising. They are fragile because they are wounded. I’m working on compassion for all it- the people who show up, the people who don’t. We are all just messy humans. And as you said, time heals some wounds. Maybe that will happen too.
I really appreciate your sharing this. I'm very moved by your comment, especially about your children. You always hope they will be there when tested, but you never know for sure until the test comes.
In terms of friendships, it's the same. I hope to always be part of the friend group who shows up. But I can think of lapses.
Another excellent article! You’re one of the only wealthy people I know who actually acknowledges the impact wealth has on your life. My relationship with my mother is anti fragile in large part because when I was growing up we were poor even though she worked three jobs. She never tried to hide the truth of our situation from me. I couldn’t have the things that other kids had. Some kids were not allowed to come to our apartment to play because we lived in a poor black neighborhood. I wore a lot of second hand clothes and was grateful for them. In adulthood I’ve both made good money and lost most everything. I know now that I’ll be fine. Unlike my rich or upper middle class friends I am scrappy and bounce. I developed the trade of teaching and can go back to substitute teaching anywhere anytime. There are no kids I am afraid of, no classroom I fear to walk in to no matter how urban or violent. I’m grateful for the ability to buy simple Christmas presents for my family and to make a small dinner for my mom and a friend. I hope that no matter how much money I ever make again I always buy what I can at the dollar store and save and give of time and money. My mom taught me to be tough and also forgiving of myself and others. As she ages, making sure she can be safe and comfortable is my top priority. I feel sorry for kids who grew up wealthy and never had to work for anything or have contact with the less fortunate. The real world will hit them hard.
April, thanks for the comment. Your experiences have certainly made you anti fragile. And I admire your mother and your devotion to her.
Growing up with wealth has mixed elements: your privilege can allow you to weather minor storms better but you would be unprepared for a deluge. I worry about that for myself and my kids.
Fine riff on antifragility. I've marveled many times at Nassim Taleb's neologism. Lots of people coin new words, and some of them are quite good. But after "antifragility" made the rounds, it was retroactively obvious that the language absolutely needed the word and that there had been a gaping conceptual hole waiting to be filled.
This is a fascinating idea. I hadn’t heard of it before, but I’m now going to look for the book. Thanks!
I've had many examples in my life of both surprisingly fragile and antifragile relationships. The first kind, if you have been very close, can be extremely painful, the latter kind deeply rewarding. I and my own oldest and best friend, since I was fifteen years old, had a disagreement about 8 years into the friendship, which seemed then quite a lengthy period. There have been 49 more years since. We didn't speak for a year. It was a little easier because we both had new girlfriends. But after that year, his girlfriend said, "Why don't you call him?" He did, and the friendship was repaired. About 40 years later, he and I were out to dinner together and probably for the first time in all those years, our falling out came up. I didn't even recall the cause. My friend, who has a far better memory than my good one, did, and told me. It was clear to me that I had been wrong. "That was a stupid reason," I said. He nodded but said nothing. He didn't crow at my acknowledgment. He knew I was wrong then, but he made the overture anyway. He'd known I was wrong all those years but never brought it up again.
P.S. Also about 40 years later, I wrote a letter to his coop board supporting his and his wife's application. The board president told him it was the most glowing letter they had ever received on behalf of any buyer. So I tried to pay him back. :) And there was a lot in between.
Thanks Jay. I really deserted my friend. He reacted by denouncing our marriage. I disinvited him to the wedding. Classic escalation! Your girlfriend gets a lot of credit for healing the breach!
I really enjoyed this and walking away with new language for relationships dynamics.
Another thoughtful examination of what it takes to be a strong and tender-hearted human in this world of ours! Thanks, David!
You have just helped me realize why a friendship, I had thought was important, ended. It was a transactional relationship, which made it very, very fragile.
Thank you for this, David.
Heather, so glad!
Love this. Those relationships that require lots of tip-toeing are ones I have only maintained by necessity (sister). I can react like a hurt mommy to my son’s honesty or be willing to see him as something other than an extension of myself and not be hurt by his trust in our resilience. My most fragile relationship was with my father who could be very cruel as well as so kind. I lived for his attention and was shattered by his criticism. I love that you called your daughter “sturdy”. Such a dad mistake!
Thanks Molly. A mistake that will never be forgotten!
Anti-fragility: What an interesting concept to apply to relationships. A newish friend is highly distractible and prone to disappearing on me. I don’t take it personally, as we always sparkle and confide when we’re together. This is just how she is, and as a result I am never entirely confident in her ability to be fully present. By contrast, my husband and I have come through a separation, a near-separation and an affair (his, long ago). We’ve tested each other hard. I can’t imagine not being together.
I know from your previous posts that you have a terrific marriage. I think that couples who part and then reunite are admirable and anti fragile!
Excellent article on best way to deal with relationships. I can use this antifragile concept in working with self-publishing service experts in my cover redesign and book description blurb. Their viewpoint is to that a novel should be written nearer to way similar novels are written that have had good sales. So the book cover design could be figured out pretty easily as would be the marketing with a good book blurb. There viewpoint is if the novel is not good enough, everyone is wasting their time and money on cover and marketing if there seems to be no way it could sell based on more usual expert ideas of good cover and blurb production. Sort of the perfection or near perfect versus very good. B movies or B books are difficult to sell especially for people who only want help with the merchandising of A books. So I have to be antifragile by feeling okay about my B book. When you are older you don't know how much time you have to craft a B book into an A book. And in talking with the cover designer what info does this designer need to make some sort of workaround from the book being a B rather than A book? I can be antifragile by accepting the possibility that a really good cover might be extremely difficult but not impossible same as with the design of a good book blurb. But if I have brains enough to write a B book then there has to be some way to design a good effective book cover and a good effective book blurb. I can say to this person that a good book cover is possible and if the new design doesn't work, it's pick myself up like Rocky and work up another one with the book cover or book blurb designer. I allow for it being very difficult but not impossible so being antifragile makes it closer to possible and further from impossible. So thanks for this great post and this great concept. It excellent for achieving great friends, a good book cover and a good book marketing blurb.
What a wonderful, helpful piece, David. I had a similarly fragile relationship with my mom, kept on the rails, often, by the specter of past cut-offs between us.
My wife and I have been married nearly 20 years, and she taught me early on that people can argue, even fiercely at times, and still have a loving, stable marriage. Having come from a background where relationship disputes invariably ended with someone storming out permanently (my mom had six husbands), this was an utter revelation. I'm glad to have a term (or a heuristic!) for it now.
I really like what you've shared here about parenting. What a wonderful thing that your son said you didn't seem like yourself. That this was not the you that he knew and loved, but something other, and temporary.
I was driving with my daughter the other day, and we were disagreeing over something inconsequential, and as I dropped her off, she said, "You're being so dismissive of me," and shut the door. Of course this gutted me, so I texted her an apology and a little gif of the Grinch's heart growing from tiny to normal sized, and she laughed, and all was forgotten. If there's one thing I hope for in my relationship with my kids is that they can tell me anything, especially when I've unintentionally left them feeling hurt. I want them to feel this anti-fragility, that there's nothing they could ever do or say to diminish my love for them.
Anyway, thanks for the great read, as always.
Thanks Rob for sharing your own insights and stories. Your tale of your daughter reminded me that humor is generally the best antidote to these quarrels as long as both people are laughing!
Happy Holidays everyone. Thank you David. I know Steve. He is on my list of people with the best “Let’s GO!!!” energy. (Super sweet wife too). Random thoughts- my mom had rage issues and took it out on us verbally when she was unhappy. Also, she was sometimes ridiculous with our well being. She wanted teen-me to drive with an inflatable human doll at night so other motorists would not know I was alone and harm me (decades later, drivers did just that to drive illegally in HOV lanes- so mom was onto to something). But I have only recently realized my kind, sweet, quiet, funny Dad should have stood up to my mom - for me- more. I conclude they both did their best. No matter what, I was very loved by my parents and that was antifragile. Be well.
Thanks Sharon. Yes, Steve always had that same energy and enthusiasm and of course still does. Very funny about the doll!
This post has magical qualities. After I first read it, I had commented to you that it gave me hope for a childhood friend of my own that I thought was lost (circumstantially, through vastly different life experiences). It was her birthday yesterday and I sent her a quick text wishing her a happy bday, and now we are going to have a catch up call this weekend. We were always very different people, but were best friends since second grade - so we were little girls, then crazy teenagers, then twenty something’s, then thirty something’s together…she got married the same year I got divorced and that put a fork in the road for us. I’m excited to reconnect, and probably wouldn’t have reached out (for the first time ever) if not for your story with Steve.
Cici,
That's great about your friend. I hope the reconnect continues to go well. Makes me feel good about my post!
I so appreciated this framing! Also, the “sturdy” comment feels like such an archetypically dad thing to say - reminded me of my own old man, lol.
One of my worst vocab choices, for sure!
I love this post. I’ve been married for 33 years- not fragile. My husband has stage 4 cancer. Turns out various friendships I had were fragile-they bailed when it got tough. But I’ve been delighted by other old friends showing up, ready to support us. My adult kids are definitely no longer fragile, after a long night of waiting for the brain surgeon to tell us if he lived, and 2.5 years of chemotherapy etc- my kids it turns out are rock solid. And we are all closer due to the trauma we faced. Obviously it could have gone the other way. Several other young people we supported for many years disappeared on us and in retrospect that’s not surprising. They are fragile because they are wounded. I’m working on compassion for all it- the people who show up, the people who don’t. We are all just messy humans. And as you said, time heals some wounds. Maybe that will happen too.
Joanell,
I really appreciate your sharing this. I'm very moved by your comment, especially about your children. You always hope they will be there when tested, but you never know for sure until the test comes.
In terms of friendships, it's the same. I hope to always be part of the friend group who shows up. But I can think of lapses.
I think it’s only in acknowledging when we lapsed that we learn to do better… ❤️
I hope you wore that T shirt while writing this excellent post!
I'm away and did not pack it. Sadly.