Religion fills this gap for many. There is what I call “good religion” which teaches you how to connect with “the universe which is all loving”, but there exists also bad religion which does not. I wish you connection with goodness.
I love being alone, except for when I am with daughter, family, dear friends. And sometimes even then...solitude is my paradise. I grew up in the same household as the author and was often alone; I think I hard-wired myself for a lifetime of it. I have a good balance now, though, of solo time and a bounty of loved ones. As always, I appreciate and in fact cherish your honesty in these posts. Solitude (as opposed to "loneliness") is a lost art, I fear. Off-line, "table for one".
I particularly resonate with your reflections on loneliness in childhood - I too remember (as an only child) being able to escape into daydreams and occupy myself for hours in imaginary worlds... but for me too, that's gone as an adult.
I also agree with your final sentiments about helping others and being needed. Quite recently, in fact, I realised that the man I would strive to be is one who can be relied on to come and help when things get difficult. I think that's a meaningful aim, and one that may well be an antidote to the intermittent loneliness we all experience.
Beautiful and poignant essay. The novella sounds emotionally gripping. The feeling of loneliness has accompanied me my entire life. Life can seem.so cruel when our loved ones leave us, whether temporarily or permanently. As I get older, I realize loneliness is a human condition we can't escape... that at the end of our days we will be alone facing death. My antidote to loneliness is in the making. I'm learning to summon my internal companion and befriend her. An adult imaginary friend, perhaps?
Very touching. Courageous to put it out there. I think you have a lot of company. Your resolution is also familiar. I like the gratitude thing, as you mentioned...all the love that surrounds us whether it be friends, family or both. And I know personally that your generosity can not be underestimated or under-appreciated!
Very moving essay! I’m still young and going through a bout with mental illness at the moment, and I’ve realized loneliness is almost a guard I use. When I feel bad, I want to go and hide in my room and push everyone away, in fear my bad feelings will hurt them. Of course, this never works and I’m slowly learning to reach out to others during this time. Both helping others and letting others help me. I had an aha moment in therapy the other day when I complained of feeling lonely even though I had friends, a partner, family and was told “you feel disconnected from yourself, it makes sense you’d feel disconnected from others”. Pushed me to think that I needed to do the work on own connection and it would then spill out into the world! “Build it and they will come” as they say!
I do not experience loneliness as you describe it, but I lament losses of a few family relationships that, due to circumstances, are beyond my ability to heal. Those feelings and thoughts come to me prompted by some small thing or someone's mention of some past moment. I cannot change any of it. This is where I know the difference between hope and optimism and the cruelty of the former. Optimism requires some basis in fact. Based on such and such, we can expect some positive outcome. Hope, on the other hand, is completely irrational. So, while there is no reason to expect that those relationships will ever come back, I can continue to hope. In fact, and this is possibly just because of my nature, I can't help hoping and yet, that means I cannot completely let go. So, my hope is my cruel reminder of that which makes me sad.
How ironic that Janis Ian writes about beauty queens and she was so darn beautiful (and that you can feel loneliness in a room full of people). Now that I'm much older with wrinkles and pouches and all the pesky signs of aging, and yet remember how I felt when I was kid with great clarity and how I couldn't imagine being 25 let alone an "old person", I can't believe how fast life went and how soon it's going to be over. That's when I realize that I can't spend time on being sad or lonely because there's so much I want to do in the little time left. And if the globalists have their way and poison us all with the aluminum, strontium and barium in the geoengineering they're spraying in the skies, we may all be dead in no time. So live for the day is excellent advice, but even better is living for the moment. As religions tell us, that's really all we've ever had and we were fools to think there was anything more. Especially true right now. Seize the moment and squeeze every tiny bit of love and joy you can out of it.
Thanks David for this personal story--an added treat was Janis Ian's song "Seventeen" performed in 1976-- your lead up to it did not disappoint -- Society's Child was written and performed by her when she was 14 -- amazing
You are "good enough" David and are surrounded by people who love and care for you. So sorry you periodically go through these difficult episodes.
I hope your journey of self-exploration as well as sharing your experiences with others and those others sharing their thoughts with you helps you along your path.
And, yes, I too am helped by helping others. They don't call me "th Girl Scout" for nothing.
Really powerful piece .... the irony is that loneliness is a universal condition. And by sharing our own experiences with loneliness, we create connection and reduce some of that pain.
If you haven't read Johann Hari's Lost Connections, you might be interested (there's also a TED talk). I have to really think more on loneliness. I've lived with recurring depression so I typically frame it that way for myself as opposed to investigating loneliness specifically.
My initial thought is that I don't typically feel loneliness as a result of being physically alone but rather it comes when there's a miscommunication or conflict in a close relationship and I feel like I can't bridge the gap. In those moments, I feel the aloneness very much.
Oh but physical aloneness does get me whenever I'm really sick. If I don't have someone there to help take care of me, then I feel really really alone.
I agree with you that loneliness is a feeling felt by us all. But in different ways in different circumstances and with different means of trying to dispel it. A conflict in a close relationship gives me more stress than loneliness, but I can see how the breach in connection could also be felt as loneliness. And when I'm sick, I feel disconnected to and "less than" the "healthy" world so that makes me feel both inadequate and lonely. Ok, it's your turn to say something cheerful!
This is such an astute and heartbreaking observation. Your writing on this topic happened to hit me at a moment when I'm filled with the melancholy that the fall season inevitably brings me (more on that in tomorrow morning's post) and when I've been thinking about how painful loneliness can be for loved ones I'm unable to reach. I think I feel the most alone immediately after my loved ones leave town at the end of the summer to go back to their "homes" (I put it in brackets because in some cases they feel these places are home and in others they're simply logistically home for the time being). Thank you for writing this.
Religion fills this gap for many. There is what I call “good religion” which teaches you how to connect with “the universe which is all loving”, but there exists also bad religion which does not. I wish you connection with goodness.
I love being alone, except for when I am with daughter, family, dear friends. And sometimes even then...solitude is my paradise. I grew up in the same household as the author and was often alone; I think I hard-wired myself for a lifetime of it. I have a good balance now, though, of solo time and a bounty of loved ones. As always, I appreciate and in fact cherish your honesty in these posts. Solitude (as opposed to "loneliness") is a lost art, I fear. Off-line, "table for one".
This is such a touching essay.
I particularly resonate with your reflections on loneliness in childhood - I too remember (as an only child) being able to escape into daydreams and occupy myself for hours in imaginary worlds... but for me too, that's gone as an adult.
I also agree with your final sentiments about helping others and being needed. Quite recently, in fact, I realised that the man I would strive to be is one who can be relied on to come and help when things get difficult. I think that's a meaningful aim, and one that may well be an antidote to the intermittent loneliness we all experience.
That was beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful and poignant essay. The novella sounds emotionally gripping. The feeling of loneliness has accompanied me my entire life. Life can seem.so cruel when our loved ones leave us, whether temporarily or permanently. As I get older, I realize loneliness is a human condition we can't escape... that at the end of our days we will be alone facing death. My antidote to loneliness is in the making. I'm learning to summon my internal companion and befriend her. An adult imaginary friend, perhaps?
Very touching. Courageous to put it out there. I think you have a lot of company. Your resolution is also familiar. I like the gratitude thing, as you mentioned...all the love that surrounds us whether it be friends, family or both. And I know personally that your generosity can not be underestimated or under-appreciated!
Very moving essay! I’m still young and going through a bout with mental illness at the moment, and I’ve realized loneliness is almost a guard I use. When I feel bad, I want to go and hide in my room and push everyone away, in fear my bad feelings will hurt them. Of course, this never works and I’m slowly learning to reach out to others during this time. Both helping others and letting others help me. I had an aha moment in therapy the other day when I complained of feeling lonely even though I had friends, a partner, family and was told “you feel disconnected from yourself, it makes sense you’d feel disconnected from others”. Pushed me to think that I needed to do the work on own connection and it would then spill out into the world! “Build it and they will come” as they say!
I do not experience loneliness as you describe it, but I lament losses of a few family relationships that, due to circumstances, are beyond my ability to heal. Those feelings and thoughts come to me prompted by some small thing or someone's mention of some past moment. I cannot change any of it. This is where I know the difference between hope and optimism and the cruelty of the former. Optimism requires some basis in fact. Based on such and such, we can expect some positive outcome. Hope, on the other hand, is completely irrational. So, while there is no reason to expect that those relationships will ever come back, I can continue to hope. In fact, and this is possibly just because of my nature, I can't help hoping and yet, that means I cannot completely let go. So, my hope is my cruel reminder of that which makes me sad.
How ironic that Janis Ian writes about beauty queens and she was so darn beautiful (and that you can feel loneliness in a room full of people). Now that I'm much older with wrinkles and pouches and all the pesky signs of aging, and yet remember how I felt when I was kid with great clarity and how I couldn't imagine being 25 let alone an "old person", I can't believe how fast life went and how soon it's going to be over. That's when I realize that I can't spend time on being sad or lonely because there's so much I want to do in the little time left. And if the globalists have their way and poison us all with the aluminum, strontium and barium in the geoengineering they're spraying in the skies, we may all be dead in no time. So live for the day is excellent advice, but even better is living for the moment. As religions tell us, that's really all we've ever had and we were fools to think there was anything more. Especially true right now. Seize the moment and squeeze every tiny bit of love and joy you can out of it.
Thanks David for this personal story--an added treat was Janis Ian's song "Seventeen" performed in 1976-- your lead up to it did not disappoint -- Society's Child was written and performed by her when she was 14 -- amazing
Thanks again
So touching.
You are "good enough" David and are surrounded by people who love and care for you. So sorry you periodically go through these difficult episodes.
I hope your journey of self-exploration as well as sharing your experiences with others and those others sharing their thoughts with you helps you along your path.
And, yes, I too am helped by helping others. They don't call me "th Girl Scout" for nothing.
Very touching, David! xo
Really powerful piece .... the irony is that loneliness is a universal condition. And by sharing our own experiences with loneliness, we create connection and reduce some of that pain.
If you haven't read Johann Hari's Lost Connections, you might be interested (there's also a TED talk). I have to really think more on loneliness. I've lived with recurring depression so I typically frame it that way for myself as opposed to investigating loneliness specifically.
My initial thought is that I don't typically feel loneliness as a result of being physically alone but rather it comes when there's a miscommunication or conflict in a close relationship and I feel like I can't bridge the gap. In those moments, I feel the aloneness very much.
Oh but physical aloneness does get me whenever I'm really sick. If I don't have someone there to help take care of me, then I feel really really alone.
I agree with you that loneliness is a feeling felt by us all. But in different ways in different circumstances and with different means of trying to dispel it. A conflict in a close relationship gives me more stress than loneliness, but I can see how the breach in connection could also be felt as loneliness. And when I'm sick, I feel disconnected to and "less than" the "healthy" world so that makes me feel both inadequate and lonely. Ok, it's your turn to say something cheerful!
This is such an astute and heartbreaking observation. Your writing on this topic happened to hit me at a moment when I'm filled with the melancholy that the fall season inevitably brings me (more on that in tomorrow morning's post) and when I've been thinking about how painful loneliness can be for loved ones I'm unable to reach. I think I feel the most alone immediately after my loved ones leave town at the end of the summer to go back to their "homes" (I put it in brackets because in some cases they feel these places are home and in others they're simply logistically home for the time being). Thank you for writing this.
Thanks Noha. And the end of summer does carry with it for me too a loss of greater connection with families and friends.
Looking forward as always to reading what you write.
Best,
david