My mother died three and a half years ago. In the last few decades of her life, she and I had a wonderful relationship of mutual support, love, and intellectual companionship. We had both grown wiser with age. But when I was a child, she did things that will always trouble me. Things I can’t forgive. I can love her and be grateful to her for everything positive she gave to me, to my wife, and to my children, while still be unforgiving for the more distant past. Because people and relationships are complex and to whitewash the bad while only keeping the good is dishonest.
“As Primo’s fame grew as an author about the Holocaust, he was besieged by requests that he forgive his enemies as an act of Christian mercy.”
Complete and entitled absurdity, given that first and foremost, Primo Levi is a Jew. And Jews don’t simply forgive like this.
It’s frankly entitled to ask at all for forgiveness. Both on an individual level and as a society.
Offering any forgiveness without the person who did the wrongdoing doing any attempt at reconciliation or self reflection or an abnegation of the self is to make a mockery of forgiveness itself.
It is both appalling and of a piece that any Christian would not recognize this of the forgiveness process, and Christian society would shy away from the simple recognition of that fact.
You remind me of the time I told my father how much something he had done hurt me. Instead of saying he was sorry, he said, “ we were young…” (meaning both of my parents). And, in all fairness, I do think we go through a time when we are young and still uncertain. We make mistakes, we say and do things we later wish we could take back. I’m not trying to diminish some of the truly awful things done by people who should have known better. But, I think it’s hard or impossible for a lot of people to acknowledge how awful they were. How do you explain that, especially when it’s so obvious now, years later, that you weren’t just wrong, but you’re behavior was something you can’t even justify to yourself?
The only thing we have left, for ourselves, is to accept the falibility of being human.
It seems to me that to forgive someone is to change ourselves, not wait on someone else to be better. It is looking past the person to something higher. An impossible thing if you don't believe there is anything higher. It seems to me to be an act somehow beyond morality.
1. I think Vanadium is the only element in the periodic table that exists in a form with a positive charge, a negative charge and a neutral charge. This is why something called a "flow battery" has neutral vanadium split into two parts- one negative and one positive, and when you combine those opposite liquids, energy is released and you get the original neutrally charged vanadium. In theory, unlike most batteries, this can have a virtually unlimited number of charge cycles. Something in the description about the prison guard relates to these properties of vanadium, so I wonder if it is a coincidence that the chapter was named for that element.
2. I was recently told that holding anger for another person is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. Dissipating anger and forgiving are not the same, but a failure to move on (also not the same as failure to forgive) can be as corrosive or more to the person who "won't let go", regardless of whether the apology sought is ever given.
I can forgive someone for their human flaws, but I don't want to forget the damage they caused by their actions. I move on, aware that I am a bad judge of character sometimes.
We are all imperfect judges of character! You certainly can have forgiveness without continuing the relationship and without forgetting any lessons learned. Your "formula" is a great one, because I think it provides the maximum value to the victim of the damage.
Your comment sparked this thought as well: Assuming other people in one's"circle" know the person who caused the damage, does one have a responsibility to warn?
Beautiful piece. Forgiveness comes with the byline-- it depends. It truly depends on the circumstances. Some actions are unforgivable. Murder, rape, pedophilia, etc. No excuse for these actions.
Forgiveness is a nice idea, possibly good for the forgiver, but I think letting go is even more important. Sometimes, the long-lasting trauma is worse than the trauma causing event. I will not speak of it here, but someone close to me has told me that what angers her is not the act that was committed, but what it left her with that has informed the rest of her life for that has been what she has wrestled with for decades. Had she been able to let go long ago, her life would not have been as plagued by the event as has been the case. Letting go is something we can do and it does not require us to forgive. If we can find a way to let go, we can move on. Sure, we will be scarred and letting go does not erase those scars, but it allows them to fade a bit and makes it easier for us to focus on our present. Forgiveness can certainly help us, but it is not necessary. As to who can forgive, I agree completely. I cannot forgive someone for what they did to another. One further note: Forgiving does not mean that it was okay.
David, I'm glad you were able to have a good relationship with your mother in the winter of her life.
I found tragic that Primo took his own life, was not expecting that. And I find the example you provide very thought provoking.
We are all flawed human beings, and every will let us down at some point or another. Matthew 18:21-35 deals with forgiveness and Jesus telling Peter to forgive seventy-seven times, which I will be the first one to admit, it is a very difficult thing to do.
I don't have a definitive answer but thought I'd share that small piece of scripture in order to contribute to this very interesting conversation. Definitely something I'll continue to ruminate for a while.
This: "It is possible, however, to let go of anger without forgiving." Either one understands this or does not. Right now I'm working on it. Isn't that "not forgiving" a simmering anger? Ready for when you meet the cause of that anger again (Muller)? It is very Jewish, this erasing of an evil doer (think Amalek). Then again, we are remembering through the erasing. It's a conundrum!
Aug 28, 2023·edited Aug 28, 2023Liked by david roberts
Like Primo, I too am a victim of a horrendous hate crime. My son Blaze Bernstein, a UPENN student, was killed in an alleged violent hate crime in 2018. The defendant sits in an Orange County, California jail now for almost 6 years awaiting trial. For victims and their families, slow justice is no justice. Yet, I wait patiently, quietly for a heart wrenching trial that I must sit through. Am I angry? My life will never be same. My talented kind and caring son is gone. Angry isn’t the word for it. I am devastated. Anger is a luxury that I can’t afford. I don’t have the energy or time for anger. Anger depletes us. I am not angry at the snake that bit my hand at my daughter’s preschool. Why? Because snakes bite people. It is what they do and I knew that when I went to pick it up. Likewise, hateful people do terrible things and kill people. I can’t be angry that a hateful person did this atrocious thing because he was designed to do this. Like cancer cells that kill people. It is pointless to be angry at cancer cells. It’s just what they do. What angers me are the socially acceptable and “righteous” catholic parents of this young man who knew he was involved with a neo-nazi hate group and supported this behavior. Yet I still don’t waste much energy on that feeling either because it only makes me more unhappy. Instead, I concentrate on the positives and the good things I can do with my life to honor Blaze. Helping people is much more enjoyable than hating and sitting in anger. So that is what I do. I help people. Will I forgive? Unlikely. Besides the fact that there has been no apology, it is unnecessary for my peace of mind. It is a gift that I do not choose to give. In fact the parents of Blaze’s alleged killer had a perfect opportunity to ask for my forgiveness when they corralled me at the court house last year. Instead of saying sorry, his mother got in my face to let me know that she was praying for my family. She is certainly one of the one eyed men who allowed this atrocity to happen to my son. I forgave G-d for taking Blaze so soon and creating a monster that would kill him so violently. That was not easy. I did that because I know that these things happen because G-d gave us free will. Forgiving G-d helped me make peace with my loss. It doesn’t make me whole, but it allows me to continue my life productively in a world mixed with very good people and very bad people. We always have a choice and I choose goodness.
David, this is a beautiful piece, and it is nudging me to read Levi - regarding forgiveness by victims, Levi’s response brought to mind a long feature about reparations in Rwanda by Phillip Gourevitch, “After the Genocide” (New Yorker). He also wrote a book about reporting in Rwanda at the time.
Excellent piece today.
Making amends to those we have aggrieved defintely benefits the dinner more than the sinned.
Hopefully it also helps the sinned carry less resentments which are also very unhealthy.
So Complicated. After ready this it makes me realize that in some cases forgiveness is impossible.
“As Primo’s fame grew as an author about the Holocaust, he was besieged by requests that he forgive his enemies as an act of Christian mercy.”
Complete and entitled absurdity, given that first and foremost, Primo Levi is a Jew. And Jews don’t simply forgive like this.
It’s frankly entitled to ask at all for forgiveness. Both on an individual level and as a society.
Offering any forgiveness without the person who did the wrongdoing doing any attempt at reconciliation or self reflection or an abnegation of the self is to make a mockery of forgiveness itself.
It is both appalling and of a piece that any Christian would not recognize this of the forgiveness process, and Christian society would shy away from the simple recognition of that fact.
You remind me of the time I told my father how much something he had done hurt me. Instead of saying he was sorry, he said, “ we were young…” (meaning both of my parents). And, in all fairness, I do think we go through a time when we are young and still uncertain. We make mistakes, we say and do things we later wish we could take back. I’m not trying to diminish some of the truly awful things done by people who should have known better. But, I think it’s hard or impossible for a lot of people to acknowledge how awful they were. How do you explain that, especially when it’s so obvious now, years later, that you weren’t just wrong, but you’re behavior was something you can’t even justify to yourself?
The only thing we have left, for ourselves, is to accept the falibility of being human.
It seems to me that to forgive someone is to change ourselves, not wait on someone else to be better. It is looking past the person to something higher. An impossible thing if you don't believe there is anything higher. It seems to me to be an act somehow beyond morality.
David- 2 Things
1. I think Vanadium is the only element in the periodic table that exists in a form with a positive charge, a negative charge and a neutral charge. This is why something called a "flow battery" has neutral vanadium split into two parts- one negative and one positive, and when you combine those opposite liquids, energy is released and you get the original neutrally charged vanadium. In theory, unlike most batteries, this can have a virtually unlimited number of charge cycles. Something in the description about the prison guard relates to these properties of vanadium, so I wonder if it is a coincidence that the chapter was named for that element.
2. I was recently told that holding anger for another person is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. Dissipating anger and forgiving are not the same, but a failure to move on (also not the same as failure to forgive) can be as corrosive or more to the person who "won't let go", regardless of whether the apology sought is ever given.
Best Michael
Thank you for this. I shall be thinking about it for quite a while.
I can forgive someone for their human flaws, but I don't want to forget the damage they caused by their actions. I move on, aware that I am a bad judge of character sometimes.
We are all imperfect judges of character! You certainly can have forgiveness without continuing the relationship and without forgetting any lessons learned. Your "formula" is a great one, because I think it provides the maximum value to the victim of the damage.
Your comment sparked this thought as well: Assuming other people in one's"circle" know the person who caused the damage, does one have a responsibility to warn?
Beautiful piece. Forgiveness comes with the byline-- it depends. It truly depends on the circumstances. Some actions are unforgivable. Murder, rape, pedophilia, etc. No excuse for these actions.
Forgiveness is a nice idea, possibly good for the forgiver, but I think letting go is even more important. Sometimes, the long-lasting trauma is worse than the trauma causing event. I will not speak of it here, but someone close to me has told me that what angers her is not the act that was committed, but what it left her with that has informed the rest of her life for that has been what she has wrestled with for decades. Had she been able to let go long ago, her life would not have been as plagued by the event as has been the case. Letting go is something we can do and it does not require us to forgive. If we can find a way to let go, we can move on. Sure, we will be scarred and letting go does not erase those scars, but it allows them to fade a bit and makes it easier for us to focus on our present. Forgiveness can certainly help us, but it is not necessary. As to who can forgive, I agree completely. I cannot forgive someone for what they did to another. One further note: Forgiving does not mean that it was okay.
David, I'm glad you were able to have a good relationship with your mother in the winter of her life.
I found tragic that Primo took his own life, was not expecting that. And I find the example you provide very thought provoking.
We are all flawed human beings, and every will let us down at some point or another. Matthew 18:21-35 deals with forgiveness and Jesus telling Peter to forgive seventy-seven times, which I will be the first one to admit, it is a very difficult thing to do.
I don't have a definitive answer but thought I'd share that small piece of scripture in order to contribute to this very interesting conversation. Definitely something I'll continue to ruminate for a while.
This: "It is possible, however, to let go of anger without forgiving." Either one understands this or does not. Right now I'm working on it. Isn't that "not forgiving" a simmering anger? Ready for when you meet the cause of that anger again (Muller)? It is very Jewish, this erasing of an evil doer (think Amalek). Then again, we are remembering through the erasing. It's a conundrum!
Like Primo, I too am a victim of a horrendous hate crime. My son Blaze Bernstein, a UPENN student, was killed in an alleged violent hate crime in 2018. The defendant sits in an Orange County, California jail now for almost 6 years awaiting trial. For victims and their families, slow justice is no justice. Yet, I wait patiently, quietly for a heart wrenching trial that I must sit through. Am I angry? My life will never be same. My talented kind and caring son is gone. Angry isn’t the word for it. I am devastated. Anger is a luxury that I can’t afford. I don’t have the energy or time for anger. Anger depletes us. I am not angry at the snake that bit my hand at my daughter’s preschool. Why? Because snakes bite people. It is what they do and I knew that when I went to pick it up. Likewise, hateful people do terrible things and kill people. I can’t be angry that a hateful person did this atrocious thing because he was designed to do this. Like cancer cells that kill people. It is pointless to be angry at cancer cells. It’s just what they do. What angers me are the socially acceptable and “righteous” catholic parents of this young man who knew he was involved with a neo-nazi hate group and supported this behavior. Yet I still don’t waste much energy on that feeling either because it only makes me more unhappy. Instead, I concentrate on the positives and the good things I can do with my life to honor Blaze. Helping people is much more enjoyable than hating and sitting in anger. So that is what I do. I help people. Will I forgive? Unlikely. Besides the fact that there has been no apology, it is unnecessary for my peace of mind. It is a gift that I do not choose to give. In fact the parents of Blaze’s alleged killer had a perfect opportunity to ask for my forgiveness when they corralled me at the court house last year. Instead of saying sorry, his mother got in my face to let me know that she was praying for my family. She is certainly one of the one eyed men who allowed this atrocity to happen to my son. I forgave G-d for taking Blaze so soon and creating a monster that would kill him so violently. That was not easy. I did that because I know that these things happen because G-d gave us free will. Forgiving G-d helped me make peace with my loss. It doesn’t make me whole, but it allows me to continue my life productively in a world mixed with very good people and very bad people. We always have a choice and I choose goodness.
David, this is a beautiful piece, and it is nudging me to read Levi - regarding forgiveness by victims, Levi’s response brought to mind a long feature about reparations in Rwanda by Phillip Gourevitch, “After the Genocide” (New Yorker). He also wrote a book about reporting in Rwanda at the time.