One of the attractions in gazing at a newborn baby is seeing the limitless in their possibilities. And the fun of taking any small act and blowing it up into giddy speculation, highly improbable, but impossible to disprove. The baby has a strong kick–––future World Cup striker. The baby finds its thumb a few days before the books say they should–––future winner of a MacArthur Genius grant. A very close friend has a baby around the same time–––possible future marriage, let the dowry negotiations begin.
It is true that we get a limited number of blank slates, but as we get older we bring a fuller and more nuanced palette to the blank slates we encounter, and we increased knowledge of texture and understanding, and subtle shadows where we once saw only light and dark. To our benefit, we carry all this with us and, as opportunity presents itself, we have all this to share.
My grandmother, at age 90, had not yet met my wife. My mother and aunt were concerned that their mother would have difficulty dealing with my having married a black woman. I had no such fear, fully confident in the relationship I had with my grandmother but I had to abide by my mother's wishes and wait. When the moment came, my grandmother stood up and welcomed my wife with open arms without a moment's hesitation. In fact, she ignore me in that moment. Me, her favorite grandchild. I so enjoyed being ignored and seeing my wife and grandmother make their own instant connection. How could that have happened as it did? Aside from the relationship she had with me, I think we reach a point in our later years when we find some new understanding about what matters in life. Being a grandparent can change that in a new heartbeat.
Thanks. Grandparenthood give us all sorts of new opportunities as well as emotions. Even our kids can see us in a different light. Enjoy it all, there's so much ahead.
That’s a lovely story, Josh. I hate to admit it, but I had similar concerns about my dad when he found out my husband was a Jew. He would never have been rude, but he could be a bit of an “Archie Bunker” at times.
Never a problem. My entire family welcomed Richard into their lives. A good person is a good person, and over the years they came to love him and think of him as a brother and son.
Too often, people hold back out of fear. Good for all of you. Interesting aside, intermarriage and mixed dating has been a continuing source of humor for us.
To be honest, I rarely think about my husband’s Jewish ancestry, although I am interested. I don’t believe he ever attended synagogue much, maybe because he attended a private boy’s school, got into the choir, and they sang a lot of Christian hymns. We usually joined my mom in attending her little Episcopal church for Christmas services over the years. He knew the songs better than I did!
But, I did get a kick out of some of his family! His mother had a wonderful, dry sense of humor. She could be a bit overbearing at times because my mom was so backed off by comparison. (I have some good stories!)
He grew up without a dad because his was killed in a mid-air collision as he was flying into or out of New York for an interview for a surgeon at a big hospital. I think my husband was six, and as you can imagine, it really impacted his mother and brother. Fortunately, his mother eventually found a very nice boyfriend who helped them through it, and gave my husband the chance to be around an adult male. Still, there are things I know he missed out on, and yet, having a dad guarantees nothing.
Richard is a wonderful person, and I love his sense of humor. We laugh all the time, often about his family or mine! One of the nicest things my mom said one time was that she loved him. She rarely said that about anyone, so I knew she meant it.
Of course, you really went all out: a non-Jewish Black woman!! 😉 Even though I had some concerns re my dad, I will say that neither of my parents ever told any of us they were against us marrying anyone who was “different” from us. I bet your wife is a joy, and wish we lived closer. I feel that way about a number of people I’ve *met* through TMD.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think it's wonderful when families lose sight of the differences. I have always felt that people have much more in common than not and it is unfortunate when they focus on the differences. We divorced many years ago (and I'm now with a wonderful woman of Italian heritage) but my first wife and I have our kids and grandchildren in common and meet comfortably and quite amiably when occasions call for it. We wish each other happy birthday on our birthdays and on our kids', too. It would be nice if we lived closer, I agree. I sense there is much to share and we'd all enjoy each other's company. If you're ever going to be near NYC, let me know.
I’m sorry, I thought this was your current wife, and now I know why I was confused because I thought I remembered that she is Italian! However, it sounds like you and your ex have found a way to move on, and still maintain a decent relationship.
Divorce is always difficult, but I’m impressed when people manage to have a cordial relationship. My brother’s divorce was rough. There was a young son, and my SIL was extremely upset when my brother wanted to end things, but over time they found a way to forgive one another. It helped a lot when she met the man she eventually married. She babysat my brother’s and second wife’s second child! Her husband has also helped my brother when he’s needed an extra hand on a job. I give them all a lot of credit
I think I’ve said that I ran into my first husband some years ago now, and he apologized to me “for being a bad husband.” I was long past being upset with him, and he was actually pretty decent when I finally left. My second husband, however, was a mean alcoholic. To be honest, when I found out he had died, it was a relief.
Yes, divorce is difficult but it does not have to be the nightmare it so often is. On Thanksgiving, I stopped by my first wife's home to see all the kids and grands there before they sat down to dinner (and I made it to dinner with Kim and her family afterward). My son's second wife (now divorced was there as was another woman with whom he lived for a couple of years (she, with her husband and their daughter) and my son's girlfriend stopped by with her 2 kids. It can be done. (Note: It can never happen with my 2nd wife and that is a loss because I had a big role in raising her kids and there were grandchildren I never see, but that's the other side.) Yes, if you're counting, Kim is my 3rd and if you want to be technical, she's not as we're not legally married -- just married in every way that matters.
I really enjoyed this and frequently stopped to ponder about all the "firsts" that one experiences only once. I also paused to think about the idea of a "blank slate" and how the ability to have or create one can be totally in our hands. Makes me want to be brave and venture into the unknown in my career and life.
Loving this David, thank you for sharing it with us all.
Congratulations, David. My husband I don’t have children, so we’ll never experience the wonders of grandchildren. Still, I can imagine how exciting it must be fore you and your wife. Nothing is guaranteed; my best friend’s daughter turned 50 this past week, and she’s never married. Same with her younger sister.
My friend never complains, although I have to think that some part of her would have loved grandchildren. She remains close to her daughters, and she’s been a loving aunt to nieces and nephews. In fact, I adored my one aunt who was never able to have children, and I often thought of her as my second mother.
Anyway, I’m happy for you, and I enjoyed reading about your new grandchild, along with your thoughts. A belated Happy Thanksgiving!
I love this, David.
Me too, Ann.
Congratulations on your grandson. How awesome for you to be a part of a new life!
It is true that we get a limited number of blank slates, but as we get older we bring a fuller and more nuanced palette to the blank slates we encounter, and we increased knowledge of texture and understanding, and subtle shadows where we once saw only light and dark. To our benefit, we carry all this with us and, as opportunity presents itself, we have all this to share.
My grandmother, at age 90, had not yet met my wife. My mother and aunt were concerned that their mother would have difficulty dealing with my having married a black woman. I had no such fear, fully confident in the relationship I had with my grandmother but I had to abide by my mother's wishes and wait. When the moment came, my grandmother stood up and welcomed my wife with open arms without a moment's hesitation. In fact, she ignore me in that moment. Me, her favorite grandchild. I so enjoyed being ignored and seeing my wife and grandmother make their own instant connection. How could that have happened as it did? Aside from the relationship she had with me, I think we reach a point in our later years when we find some new understanding about what matters in life. Being a grandparent can change that in a new heartbeat.
A wonderful vignette, wonderfully told.
Thanks. Grandparenthood give us all sorts of new opportunities as well as emotions. Even our kids can see us in a different light. Enjoy it all, there's so much ahead.
That’s a lovely story, Josh. I hate to admit it, but I had similar concerns about my dad when he found out my husband was a Jew. He would never have been rude, but he could be a bit of an “Archie Bunker” at times.
Never a problem. My entire family welcomed Richard into their lives. A good person is a good person, and over the years they came to love him and think of him as a brother and son.
Too often, people hold back out of fear. Good for all of you. Interesting aside, intermarriage and mixed dating has been a continuing source of humor for us.
To be honest, I rarely think about my husband’s Jewish ancestry, although I am interested. I don’t believe he ever attended synagogue much, maybe because he attended a private boy’s school, got into the choir, and they sang a lot of Christian hymns. We usually joined my mom in attending her little Episcopal church for Christmas services over the years. He knew the songs better than I did!
But, I did get a kick out of some of his family! His mother had a wonderful, dry sense of humor. She could be a bit overbearing at times because my mom was so backed off by comparison. (I have some good stories!)
He grew up without a dad because his was killed in a mid-air collision as he was flying into or out of New York for an interview for a surgeon at a big hospital. I think my husband was six, and as you can imagine, it really impacted his mother and brother. Fortunately, his mother eventually found a very nice boyfriend who helped them through it, and gave my husband the chance to be around an adult male. Still, there are things I know he missed out on, and yet, having a dad guarantees nothing.
Richard is a wonderful person, and I love his sense of humor. We laugh all the time, often about his family or mine! One of the nicest things my mom said one time was that she loved him. She rarely said that about anyone, so I knew she meant it.
Of course, you really went all out: a non-Jewish Black woman!! 😉 Even though I had some concerns re my dad, I will say that neither of my parents ever told any of us they were against us marrying anyone who was “different” from us. I bet your wife is a joy, and wish we lived closer. I feel that way about a number of people I’ve *met* through TMD.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think it's wonderful when families lose sight of the differences. I have always felt that people have much more in common than not and it is unfortunate when they focus on the differences. We divorced many years ago (and I'm now with a wonderful woman of Italian heritage) but my first wife and I have our kids and grandchildren in common and meet comfortably and quite amiably when occasions call for it. We wish each other happy birthday on our birthdays and on our kids', too. It would be nice if we lived closer, I agree. I sense there is much to share and we'd all enjoy each other's company. If you're ever going to be near NYC, let me know.
I’m sorry, I thought this was your current wife, and now I know why I was confused because I thought I remembered that she is Italian! However, it sounds like you and your ex have found a way to move on, and still maintain a decent relationship.
Divorce is always difficult, but I’m impressed when people manage to have a cordial relationship. My brother’s divorce was rough. There was a young son, and my SIL was extremely upset when my brother wanted to end things, but over time they found a way to forgive one another. It helped a lot when she met the man she eventually married. She babysat my brother’s and second wife’s second child! Her husband has also helped my brother when he’s needed an extra hand on a job. I give them all a lot of credit
I think I’ve said that I ran into my first husband some years ago now, and he apologized to me “for being a bad husband.” I was long past being upset with him, and he was actually pretty decent when I finally left. My second husband, however, was a mean alcoholic. To be honest, when I found out he had died, it was a relief.
Also, if you’re ever in Chicago, Madison or nearby, let me know!
Yes, divorce is difficult but it does not have to be the nightmare it so often is. On Thanksgiving, I stopped by my first wife's home to see all the kids and grands there before they sat down to dinner (and I made it to dinner with Kim and her family afterward). My son's second wife (now divorced was there as was another woman with whom he lived for a couple of years (she, with her husband and their daughter) and my son's girlfriend stopped by with her 2 kids. It can be done. (Note: It can never happen with my 2nd wife and that is a loss because I had a big role in raising her kids and there were grandchildren I never see, but that's the other side.) Yes, if you're counting, Kim is my 3rd and if you want to be technical, she's not as we're not legally married -- just married in every way that matters.
I really enjoyed this and frequently stopped to ponder about all the "firsts" that one experiences only once. I also paused to think about the idea of a "blank slate" and how the ability to have or create one can be totally in our hands. Makes me want to be brave and venture into the unknown in my career and life.
Loving this David, thank you for sharing it with us all.
Thanks Danielia!
Congratulations, David. My husband I don’t have children, so we’ll never experience the wonders of grandchildren. Still, I can imagine how exciting it must be fore you and your wife. Nothing is guaranteed; my best friend’s daughter turned 50 this past week, and she’s never married. Same with her younger sister.
My friend never complains, although I have to think that some part of her would have loved grandchildren. She remains close to her daughters, and she’s been a loving aunt to nieces and nephews. In fact, I adored my one aunt who was never able to have children, and I often thought of her as my second mother.
Anyway, I’m happy for you, and I enjoyed reading about your new grandchild, along with your thoughts. A belated Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks Anne,
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I did!