I have never discussed my married sex life with anyone other than a doctor and my wife Debbie, with whom discussion has always been beside the point (anticlimactic was the word I wanted to use, but I didn’t.)
Talking about sex doesn't necessarily mean discussing or godforbid comparing your particular sex life. There's lots to talk about -- the existence of G-spots and female ejaculation is a fun convo and there's always "the first time I ____", or something I've always been curious about but never tried, or sexual (erotic) literature, or, or, or. If you and your current partner were virgins before you met, it makes it a little difficult to talk about your experience, but otherwise you can talk about the general ("I once had a lovely 3-way...") or the embarrassing, or whatever. I don't talk much about sex any more, mainly because the people I'm usually around are a little uptight about it, but it's a HUGE part of most people's lives. Sex is one of the top three causes of marital/relationship discord, and people get killed over it, fer crissake. How can you ignore it?
Way back around probably 1985 or 1986, I actually interviewed Dr. Ruth when she spoke at Eastern Illinois University. She was a hoot!
Occasionally I'll write something about my husband that I think might be sensitive, and he always repeats, "You are free to write anything you want." I then jokingly said I planned to write an intimate description of a certain area of his anatomy, and he backed down. "Oh, so not ANYTHING, then," I said.
Thanks for more honest talk about an important subject. My wife of 32 years is against any potentially embarrassing discussion of our private love life, and thinks this is normal for nice girls, not just in Slovakia where we live.
I’m more interested in discussing it, but feel the comparisons will make nobody happy, but often some unhappy. Despite my own interest n it.
Sharing a few details with close friends is something I’ve done in the last year, as my own 67 year old body fails to be as virile as in decades past; naturally yet also disappointingly.
Love is sex plus commitment, but too much media confuses lust & lusty sex with love. Our society could use more love, & less loveless sex. I’m enjoying being in love, loved, and loving.
Married 35 years. The stats of less than once a week makes me sad for 40s and older. I say more than once a week here would be good, I told my husband that and hoping. Less stress when kids are older I think and less worries about birth control after a certain age. Then you (we are hit with knee issues and back you name it, but we are both in good shape for our ages) There needs to be less shame overall with the subject. See, I can't even say it. Certain girl friends and I talk about it occasional. Not sure if my hubby and his friends talk about it, especially at our age, mid 50s. Is it an age thing though?
Well, sex is good for one's health. Exercise plus stress reduction and mood elevation. And better sleep. And I think as one grows older, there is less shame about it. Because, from personal experience and observation, older people are wiser!
Never! Except once with our granddaughter, whom we raised. She told us that "everybody knows" that when their parents have music on in the bedroom they're having sex. And her friends thought we're really cool to still be "doing it" at 65 and 75. I was horrified that she was discussing our sex life with her pals.
This was great, David. Humorous, informative, honest, reflective. I am newly divorced at 63 after 33 years of marriage and as I contemplate venturing into "gray dating," the topic of sex is going to take on a very different weight, hue and color in months and years to come as I emerge from my long-married cocoon. Curiouser and curiouser, to quote Alice.
Thanks for the comment. The response from most married couples was that they liked keeping their sex life private. I understand that. But as you say, more information about sex is likely to improve the pleasure of it. And between the people in a relationship or discussing sex with a psychotherapist like you, removing the secrecy and shame can only be a good thing, leading to better sex.
Writing this post helped me understand better how natural and normal sex is. So it ended up being self-therapeutic.
So glad you wrote about this, shared your perspective and started this conversation. You kind of did the thing you were curious about (what it would feel like to hear) just by posing the question. I’m wondering how it feels for you to read all these responses.
For context, I’m 35, a psychotherapist and the daughter of a nurse so I suspect I’m quite an outlier in my comfort around talking about sex. My mother was at one time the nurse at our school so a lot of my friends learned about boners from my mom. There is no option but to get on board. Adapt or die.
For me personally, talking about sex with friends and my own therapist has been helpful in a myriad of ways. It’s fun, insightful, inspiring and as someone else pointed out, it can also provide a safe space to share if there are any concerns. In my field, shame and secrecy are thought to go hand in hand (some of the time). I find that to be true of sex, too. There are boundaries to be mindful and considerate of, certainly, however on the whole it’s only led to more intimacy, joy, and frankly, better sex.
(Also, hello Lauren 👋🏽, loved your response to this. I hope you can return to relative peace soon.)
Such an interesting topic and yet…I used to tell people I’d rather talk about my sex life than my spiritual one but now I’m sort of quiet on both! I was known for my sexy scenes in my novels but I find that much less appealing. We are happy and our major passion is reserved for British Crime. As a wild child of the seventies and eighties I’m quite happy with that and my cuddly cat! (And my lovely husband!)
I came here only to say we also have a Shih Tzu who finds it very hard to leave us alone when we are trying to have alone time. It’s like he has some sort of radar and insists on barking constantly. We give him a chew stick, but he inevitably finishes it before we finish. Sigh.
I just wanted to say that I have SO MUCH I want to say about being married so long and having fights and making love… I just don’t have time. 😭 So much homework! BUT this is a grand discussion, and I have so many opinions. That’s all I can say right now. But I will try to come back… somebody remind me! Okay. Toodles.
While reading or even writing about sex doesn't bother me at all, and seems quite normal, revealing any aspect of my sex life does not. Never has and never will. While my husband was alive he knew he was safe from ever having our very private and quite satisfactory sex life discussed in any way, at any time, with anybody other than our own selves.
Maybe we were unusually private in that way, but that's the way we both wanted it. Neither of us were prudes--far from it--but we were uncomfortable when others talked about their sex lives. What could be more private than those behind-closed-door gyrations? How would we feel, knowing other people now knew what pleased us or what didn't?
It would no longer be between us, the fun of it, the secrets, the feeling that just the two of us were in on something too amazing to ever want to share.
That's how my wife and I feel. My admission that we have had sex seems like a non-admission, except of course to my children!
And you give good reasons for not discussing sex.
Some commenters have said that women sharing some issues with menopause has been helpful, but I think that's in a different category. And I suppose men sharing medical issues is also fine.
Have you ever had someone reveal something about their sex lives to you that made you uncomfortable? I just asked my wife and neither of us can recall, although the revelation of an affair means that person is permanently persona non grata to my wife.
Yes, I have, but it was years ago. We all knew if she got drunk enough--and she got drunk often--she would talk about her sex life with her husband, and in every instance he disappointed her. He was a wonderful man, funny, kind, and extremely good looking. But of course those attributes took a back seat to what I knew then about their sex life. Eventually, I broke off our friendship. I had no respect for her and felt too sorry for him.
I arrive back at the same place. But it was a fun question to ask and really interesting to get the responses, which, except for sharing medically oriented information, was overwhelmingly in favor of not sharing.
i might add that food porn as real estate porn and all the other slangs we accept in this over-heated age refer back to then descriptor "porn" as a fairly mechanical and wayyyy exaggerated hyperbolic subliminal suggestion to buy consume and imho the only porn any good is one that tells an engaging story
beyond stumbling upon your "step-mom" in the shower or step-sister with head caught in the washing machine
but i suppose here i am only making lame excuses lmao
Thanks for the smile! I talk about sex (not mine) far too much. I teach theater history and, like Game of Thrones, if you leave out what motivates characters in so many of the plays, you aren't really talking about human nature. I have a young colleague who does NOT like this about my teaching. Can't say my kids do either. The first time I met my (destined to be) daughter-in-law, I somehow managed to land on the topic of Japanese erotic paintings. My son was so used to it, I don't even think he was embarrassed... until she was appalled.
I would think in theater as in life sex is a huge consideration, but plays I've seen don't have extended sex scenes as in GoT. I agree about erotic Japanese paintings. There's a special artistry in covering most of the flesh under the kimonos.
No not sex scenes now. But in Greece there were goats. A bit more physical than, say, Albee's Sylvia. And I do believe I was talking to my son's partner about the fisherman's wife. Seriously. :) I don't skirt around the issue.
Talking about sex doesn't necessarily mean discussing or godforbid comparing your particular sex life. There's lots to talk about -- the existence of G-spots and female ejaculation is a fun convo and there's always "the first time I ____", or something I've always been curious about but never tried, or sexual (erotic) literature, or, or, or. If you and your current partner were virgins before you met, it makes it a little difficult to talk about your experience, but otherwise you can talk about the general ("I once had a lovely 3-way...") or the embarrassing, or whatever. I don't talk much about sex any more, mainly because the people I'm usually around are a little uptight about it, but it's a HUGE part of most people's lives. Sex is one of the top three causes of marital/relationship discord, and people get killed over it, fer crissake. How can you ignore it?
Way back around probably 1985 or 1986, I actually interviewed Dr. Ruth when she spoke at Eastern Illinois University. She was a hoot!
Occasionally I'll write something about my husband that I think might be sensitive, and he always repeats, "You are free to write anything you want." I then jokingly said I planned to write an intimate description of a certain area of his anatomy, and he backed down. "Oh, so not ANYTHING, then," I said.
Thanks for more honest talk about an important subject. My wife of 32 years is against any potentially embarrassing discussion of our private love life, and thinks this is normal for nice girls, not just in Slovakia where we live.
I’m more interested in discussing it, but feel the comparisons will make nobody happy, but often some unhappy. Despite my own interest n it.
Sharing a few details with close friends is something I’ve done in the last year, as my own 67 year old body fails to be as virile as in decades past; naturally yet also disappointingly.
Love is sex plus commitment, but too much media confuses lust & lusty sex with love. Our society could use more love, & less loveless sex. I’m enjoying being in love, loved, and loving.
In all my world travels , i have found it's an American thing.
People in NZ and auzzie talk about sex all the time. When I got here I found it was just not done!
Cultural and age.
Also we are get x animals descended from convicts
Married 35 years. The stats of less than once a week makes me sad for 40s and older. I say more than once a week here would be good, I told my husband that and hoping. Less stress when kids are older I think and less worries about birth control after a certain age. Then you (we are hit with knee issues and back you name it, but we are both in good shape for our ages) There needs to be less shame overall with the subject. See, I can't even say it. Certain girl friends and I talk about it occasional. Not sure if my hubby and his friends talk about it, especially at our age, mid 50s. Is it an age thing though?
Well, sex is good for one's health. Exercise plus stress reduction and mood elevation. And better sleep. And I think as one grows older, there is less shame about it. Because, from personal experience and observation, older people are wiser!
Never! Except once with our granddaughter, whom we raised. She told us that "everybody knows" that when their parents have music on in the bedroom they're having sex. And her friends thought we're really cool to still be "doing it" at 65 and 75. I was horrified that she was discussing our sex life with her pals.
Now I'm wondering how often my wife and I played music just to play music!
Thanks for the comment, Elizabeth.
This was great, David. Humorous, informative, honest, reflective. I am newly divorced at 63 after 33 years of marriage and as I contemplate venturing into "gray dating," the topic of sex is going to take on a very different weight, hue and color in months and years to come as I emerge from my long-married cocoon. Curiouser and curiouser, to quote Alice.
Thanks Amy. Anecdotally, in giving pleasure to a woman, experience seems to count for a lot!
Kaitlyn,
Thanks for the comment. The response from most married couples was that they liked keeping their sex life private. I understand that. But as you say, more information about sex is likely to improve the pleasure of it. And between the people in a relationship or discussing sex with a psychotherapist like you, removing the secrecy and shame can only be a good thing, leading to better sex.
Writing this post helped me understand better how natural and normal sex is. So it ended up being self-therapeutic.
I can totally see how writing it all out would feel that way. Thank you for sharing it, even if it felt scary to do so.
So glad you wrote about this, shared your perspective and started this conversation. You kind of did the thing you were curious about (what it would feel like to hear) just by posing the question. I’m wondering how it feels for you to read all these responses.
For context, I’m 35, a psychotherapist and the daughter of a nurse so I suspect I’m quite an outlier in my comfort around talking about sex. My mother was at one time the nurse at our school so a lot of my friends learned about boners from my mom. There is no option but to get on board. Adapt or die.
For me personally, talking about sex with friends and my own therapist has been helpful in a myriad of ways. It’s fun, insightful, inspiring and as someone else pointed out, it can also provide a safe space to share if there are any concerns. In my field, shame and secrecy are thought to go hand in hand (some of the time). I find that to be true of sex, too. There are boundaries to be mindful and considerate of, certainly, however on the whole it’s only led to more intimacy, joy, and frankly, better sex.
(Also, hello Lauren 👋🏽, loved your response to this. I hope you can return to relative peace soon.)
Hi! As John Milton said, “the mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven.” I have returned to relative peace!
🤣🫠🤣🫠
Line of Duty too
Such an interesting topic and yet…I used to tell people I’d rather talk about my sex life than my spiritual one but now I’m sort of quiet on both! I was known for my sexy scenes in my novels but I find that much less appealing. We are happy and our major passion is reserved for British Crime. As a wild child of the seventies and eighties I’m quite happy with that and my cuddly cat! (And my lovely husband!)
Molly,
We have to compare British crime shows! My latest favorite was Blue Lights.
We also really liked The Gold.
And Criminal Record. The two leads were so compelling.
Endeavor, Broadchurch, Shetland, Vera, Annika…we keep running out!
I came here only to say we also have a Shih Tzu who finds it very hard to leave us alone when we are trying to have alone time. It’s like he has some sort of radar and insists on barking constantly. We give him a chew stick, but he inevitably finishes it before we finish. Sigh.
Erin,
They are such perceptive creatures! Here's the bone we use.
https://www.chewy.com/smartbones-mini-peanut-butter-dog/dp/303596
Thank you!!
I just wanted to say that I have SO MUCH I want to say about being married so long and having fights and making love… I just don’t have time. 😭 So much homework! BUT this is a grand discussion, and I have so many opinions. That’s all I can say right now. But I will try to come back… somebody remind me! Okay. Toodles.
Thanks Zina. Always look forward to whatever you have to say whenever you want to say it.
While reading or even writing about sex doesn't bother me at all, and seems quite normal, revealing any aspect of my sex life does not. Never has and never will. While my husband was alive he knew he was safe from ever having our very private and quite satisfactory sex life discussed in any way, at any time, with anybody other than our own selves.
Maybe we were unusually private in that way, but that's the way we both wanted it. Neither of us were prudes--far from it--but we were uncomfortable when others talked about their sex lives. What could be more private than those behind-closed-door gyrations? How would we feel, knowing other people now knew what pleased us or what didn't?
It would no longer be between us, the fun of it, the secrets, the feeling that just the two of us were in on something too amazing to ever want to share.
I just can't imagine...
You know, privacy is something in dwindling supply so being able to have it about something is actually quite glorious.
That's how my wife and I feel. My admission that we have had sex seems like a non-admission, except of course to my children!
And you give good reasons for not discussing sex.
Some commenters have said that women sharing some issues with menopause has been helpful, but I think that's in a different category. And I suppose men sharing medical issues is also fine.
Have you ever had someone reveal something about their sex lives to you that made you uncomfortable? I just asked my wife and neither of us can recall, although the revelation of an affair means that person is permanently persona non grata to my wife.
Yes, I have, but it was years ago. We all knew if she got drunk enough--and she got drunk often--she would talk about her sex life with her husband, and in every instance he disappointed her. He was a wonderful man, funny, kind, and extremely good looking. But of course those attributes took a back seat to what I knew then about their sex life. Eventually, I broke off our friendship. I had no respect for her and felt too sorry for him.
I arrive back at the same place. But it was a fun question to ask and really interesting to get the responses, which, except for sharing medically oriented information, was overwhelmingly in favor of not sharing.
thanks for that footnote phew
i thought you were referencing "Grisham's Law" and i'm guessing theres little eroticism in HIS writing
this is such a mature if playful piece
your wife must/should be proud! lol
thanks for reminder as i had wandered into Mary's fine memoir at mid point but even there it pulls one in entirely
thomas mcguane once had a character in his novel "Object of Desire" say:
"I wanted her as bad as poison"
which always said more to me than anything hemingway might about "the earth moving"
but all of it is a universally intriguin topic i believe
hmmm like food writing? 🤣😇
My brother Samuel compared sex writing to food writing in his comment.
"I wanted her as bad as poison" says so much with so few words.
Thanks for the comment, Appleton
lol i read that later and immediately thought: one must be swift to be original ugh
I meant it more as "great minds think alike!"
i get that
i might add that food porn as real estate porn and all the other slangs we accept in this over-heated age refer back to then descriptor "porn" as a fairly mechanical and wayyyy exaggerated hyperbolic subliminal suggestion to buy consume and imho the only porn any good is one that tells an engaging story
beyond stumbling upon your "step-mom" in the shower or step-sister with head caught in the washing machine
but i suppose here i am only making lame excuses lmao
Thanks for the smile! I talk about sex (not mine) far too much. I teach theater history and, like Game of Thrones, if you leave out what motivates characters in so many of the plays, you aren't really talking about human nature. I have a young colleague who does NOT like this about my teaching. Can't say my kids do either. The first time I met my (destined to be) daughter-in-law, I somehow managed to land on the topic of Japanese erotic paintings. My son was so used to it, I don't even think he was embarrassed... until she was appalled.
Ren,
I would think in theater as in life sex is a huge consideration, but plays I've seen don't have extended sex scenes as in GoT. I agree about erotic Japanese paintings. There's a special artistry in covering most of the flesh under the kimonos.
No not sex scenes now. But in Greece there were goats. A bit more physical than, say, Albee's Sylvia. And I do believe I was talking to my son's partner about the fisherman's wife. Seriously. :) I don't skirt around the issue.
Did you ever see this episode of The Black Mirror?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_National_Anthem_(Black_Mirror)
I do remember it vaguely. I remember being disturbed by it. Not sure if I should go watch it again.