I have never discussed my married sex life with anyone other than a doctor and my wife Debbie, with whom discussion has always been beside the point (anticlimactic was the word I wanted to use, but I didn’t.) I don’t think our practice is unusual––I’ve always been led to believe that sex in real life should be treated as a private matter. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe there’s a great deal of sex talk going on that Debbie and I are not privy to.
Talking about sex doesn't necessarily mean discussing or godforbid comparing your particular sex life. There's lots to talk about -- the existence of G-spots and female ejaculation is a fun convo and there's always "the first time I ____", or something I've always been curious about but never tried, or sexual (erotic) literature, or, or, or. If you and your current partner were virgins before you met, it makes it a little difficult to talk about your experience, but otherwise you can talk about the general ("I once had a lovely 3-way...") or the embarrassing, or whatever. I don't talk much about sex any more, mainly because the people I'm usually around are a little uptight about it, but it's a HUGE part of most people's lives. Sex is one of the top three causes of marital/relationship discord, and people get killed over it, fer crissake. How can you ignore it?
Way back around probably 1985 or 1986, I actually interviewed Dr. Ruth when she spoke at Eastern Illinois University. She was a hoot!
Occasionally I'll write something about my husband that I think might be sensitive, and he always repeats, "You are free to write anything you want." I then jokingly said I planned to write an intimate description of a certain area of his anatomy, and he backed down. "Oh, so not ANYTHING, then," I said.
Thanks for more honest talk about an important subject. My wife of 32 years is against any potentially embarrassing discussion of our private love life, and thinks this is normal for nice girls, not just in Slovakia where we live.
I’m more interested in discussing it, but feel the comparisons will make nobody happy, but often some unhappy. Despite my own interest n it.
Sharing a few details with close friends is something I’ve done in the last year, as my own 67 year old body fails to be as virile as in decades past; naturally yet also disappointingly.
Love is sex plus commitment, but too much media confuses lust & lusty sex with love. Our society could use more love, & less loveless sex. I’m enjoying being in love, loved, and loving.
Married 35 years. The stats of less than once a week makes me sad for 40s and older. I say more than once a week here would be good, I told my husband that and hoping. Less stress when kids are older I think and less worries about birth control after a certain age. Then you (we are hit with knee issues and back you name it, but we are both in good shape for our ages) There needs to be less shame overall with the subject. See, I can't even say it. Certain girl friends and I talk about it occasional. Not sure if my hubby and his friends talk about it, especially at our age, mid 50s. Is it an age thing though?
Never! Except once with our granddaughter, whom we raised. She told us that "everybody knows" that when their parents have music on in the bedroom they're having sex. And her friends thought we're really cool to still be "doing it" at 65 and 75. I was horrified that she was discussing our sex life with her pals.
This was great, David. Humorous, informative, honest, reflective. I am newly divorced at 63 after 33 years of marriage and as I contemplate venturing into "gray dating," the topic of sex is going to take on a very different weight, hue and color in months and years to come as I emerge from my long-married cocoon. Curiouser and curiouser, to quote Alice.
Thanks for the comment. The response from most married couples was that they liked keeping their sex life private. I understand that. But as you say, more information about sex is likely to improve the pleasure of it. And between the people in a relationship or discussing sex with a psychotherapist like you, removing the secrecy and shame can only be a good thing, leading to better sex.
Writing this post helped me understand better how natural and normal sex is. So it ended up being self-therapeutic.
So glad you wrote about this, shared your perspective and started this conversation. You kind of did the thing you were curious about (what it would feel like to hear) just by posing the question. I’m wondering how it feels for you to read all these responses.
For context, I’m 35, a psychotherapist and the daughter of a nurse so I suspect I’m quite an outlier in my comfort around talking about sex. My mother was at one time the nurse at our school so a lot of my friends learned about boners from my mom. There is no option but to get on board. Adapt or die.
For me personally, talking about sex with friends and my own therapist has been helpful in a myriad of ways. It’s fun, insightful, inspiring and as someone else pointed out, it can also provide a safe space to share if there are any concerns. In my field, shame and secrecy are thought to go hand in hand (some of the time). I find that to be true of sex, too. There are boundaries to be mindful and considerate of, certainly, however on the whole it’s only led to more intimacy, joy, and frankly, better sex.
(Also, hello Lauren 👋🏽, loved your response to this. I hope you can return to relative peace soon.)
Such an interesting topic and yet…I used to tell people I’d rather talk about my sex life than my spiritual one but now I’m sort of quiet on both! I was known for my sexy scenes in my novels but I find that much less appealing. We are happy and our major passion is reserved for British Crime. As a wild child of the seventies and eighties I’m quite happy with that and my cuddly cat! (And my lovely husband!)
Here I am on my annual Florida pilgrimage, checking in on my substacks and absolutely TICKLED to find this one. Yes, indeed, why are we so prudish? Although I struggle to find a path to more open dialogue in a setting where I've been reprimanded for not wearing a collared shirt on the elliptical. Perhaps when I'm back in the more freewheelin' New York I'll be able to kickstart the dialogue and quietly revolutionize our puritanical culture. Thanks for the start!!
I came here only to say we also have a Shih Tzu who finds it very hard to leave us alone when we are trying to have alone time. It’s like he has some sort of radar and insists on barking constantly. We give him a chew stick, but he inevitably finishes it before we finish. Sigh.
I just wanted to say that I have SO MUCH I want to say about being married so long and having fights and making love… I just don’t have time. 😭 So much homework! BUT this is a grand discussion, and I have so many opinions. That’s all I can say right now. But I will try to come back… somebody remind me! Okay. Toodles.
While reading or even writing about sex doesn't bother me at all, and seems quite normal, revealing any aspect of my sex life does not. Never has and never will. While my husband was alive he knew he was safe from ever having our very private and quite satisfactory sex life discussed in any way, at any time, with anybody other than our own selves.
Maybe we were unusually private in that way, but that's the way we both wanted it. Neither of us were prudes--far from it--but we were uncomfortable when others talked about their sex lives. What could be more private than those behind-closed-door gyrations? How would we feel, knowing other people now knew what pleased us or what didn't?
It would no longer be between us, the fun of it, the secrets, the feeling that just the two of us were in on something too amazing to ever want to share.
Talking about sex doesn't necessarily mean discussing or godforbid comparing your particular sex life. There's lots to talk about -- the existence of G-spots and female ejaculation is a fun convo and there's always "the first time I ____", or something I've always been curious about but never tried, or sexual (erotic) literature, or, or, or. If you and your current partner were virgins before you met, it makes it a little difficult to talk about your experience, but otherwise you can talk about the general ("I once had a lovely 3-way...") or the embarrassing, or whatever. I don't talk much about sex any more, mainly because the people I'm usually around are a little uptight about it, but it's a HUGE part of most people's lives. Sex is one of the top three causes of marital/relationship discord, and people get killed over it, fer crissake. How can you ignore it?
Way back around probably 1985 or 1986, I actually interviewed Dr. Ruth when she spoke at Eastern Illinois University. She was a hoot!
Occasionally I'll write something about my husband that I think might be sensitive, and he always repeats, "You are free to write anything you want." I then jokingly said I planned to write an intimate description of a certain area of his anatomy, and he backed down. "Oh, so not ANYTHING, then," I said.
Thanks for more honest talk about an important subject. My wife of 32 years is against any potentially embarrassing discussion of our private love life, and thinks this is normal for nice girls, not just in Slovakia where we live.
I’m more interested in discussing it, but feel the comparisons will make nobody happy, but often some unhappy. Despite my own interest n it.
Sharing a few details with close friends is something I’ve done in the last year, as my own 67 year old body fails to be as virile as in decades past; naturally yet also disappointingly.
Love is sex plus commitment, but too much media confuses lust & lusty sex with love. Our society could use more love, & less loveless sex. I’m enjoying being in love, loved, and loving.
In all my world travels , i have found it's an American thing.
People in NZ and auzzie talk about sex all the time. When I got here I found it was just not done!
Cultural and age.
Married 35 years. The stats of less than once a week makes me sad for 40s and older. I say more than once a week here would be good, I told my husband that and hoping. Less stress when kids are older I think and less worries about birth control after a certain age. Then you (we are hit with knee issues and back you name it, but we are both in good shape for our ages) There needs to be less shame overall with the subject. See, I can't even say it. Certain girl friends and I talk about it occasional. Not sure if my hubby and his friends talk about it, especially at our age, mid 50s. Is it an age thing though?
Never! Except once with our granddaughter, whom we raised. She told us that "everybody knows" that when their parents have music on in the bedroom they're having sex. And her friends thought we're really cool to still be "doing it" at 65 and 75. I was horrified that she was discussing our sex life with her pals.
This was great, David. Humorous, informative, honest, reflective. I am newly divorced at 63 after 33 years of marriage and as I contemplate venturing into "gray dating," the topic of sex is going to take on a very different weight, hue and color in months and years to come as I emerge from my long-married cocoon. Curiouser and curiouser, to quote Alice.
Kaitlyn,
Thanks for the comment. The response from most married couples was that they liked keeping their sex life private. I understand that. But as you say, more information about sex is likely to improve the pleasure of it. And between the people in a relationship or discussing sex with a psychotherapist like you, removing the secrecy and shame can only be a good thing, leading to better sex.
Writing this post helped me understand better how natural and normal sex is. So it ended up being self-therapeutic.
So glad you wrote about this, shared your perspective and started this conversation. You kind of did the thing you were curious about (what it would feel like to hear) just by posing the question. I’m wondering how it feels for you to read all these responses.
For context, I’m 35, a psychotherapist and the daughter of a nurse so I suspect I’m quite an outlier in my comfort around talking about sex. My mother was at one time the nurse at our school so a lot of my friends learned about boners from my mom. There is no option but to get on board. Adapt or die.
For me personally, talking about sex with friends and my own therapist has been helpful in a myriad of ways. It’s fun, insightful, inspiring and as someone else pointed out, it can also provide a safe space to share if there are any concerns. In my field, shame and secrecy are thought to go hand in hand (some of the time). I find that to be true of sex, too. There are boundaries to be mindful and considerate of, certainly, however on the whole it’s only led to more intimacy, joy, and frankly, better sex.
(Also, hello Lauren 👋🏽, loved your response to this. I hope you can return to relative peace soon.)
Line of Duty too
Such an interesting topic and yet…I used to tell people I’d rather talk about my sex life than my spiritual one but now I’m sort of quiet on both! I was known for my sexy scenes in my novels but I find that much less appealing. We are happy and our major passion is reserved for British Crime. As a wild child of the seventies and eighties I’m quite happy with that and my cuddly cat! (And my lovely husband!)
Here I am on my annual Florida pilgrimage, checking in on my substacks and absolutely TICKLED to find this one. Yes, indeed, why are we so prudish? Although I struggle to find a path to more open dialogue in a setting where I've been reprimanded for not wearing a collared shirt on the elliptical. Perhaps when I'm back in the more freewheelin' New York I'll be able to kickstart the dialogue and quietly revolutionize our puritanical culture. Thanks for the start!!
I came here only to say we also have a Shih Tzu who finds it very hard to leave us alone when we are trying to have alone time. It’s like he has some sort of radar and insists on barking constantly. We give him a chew stick, but he inevitably finishes it before we finish. Sigh.
I just wanted to say that I have SO MUCH I want to say about being married so long and having fights and making love… I just don’t have time. 😭 So much homework! BUT this is a grand discussion, and I have so many opinions. That’s all I can say right now. But I will try to come back… somebody remind me! Okay. Toodles.
While reading or even writing about sex doesn't bother me at all, and seems quite normal, revealing any aspect of my sex life does not. Never has and never will. While my husband was alive he knew he was safe from ever having our very private and quite satisfactory sex life discussed in any way, at any time, with anybody other than our own selves.
Maybe we were unusually private in that way, but that's the way we both wanted it. Neither of us were prudes--far from it--but we were uncomfortable when others talked about their sex lives. What could be more private than those behind-closed-door gyrations? How would we feel, knowing other people now knew what pleased us or what didn't?
It would no longer be between us, the fun of it, the secrets, the feeling that just the two of us were in on something too amazing to ever want to share.
I just can't imagine...
thanks for that footnote phew
i thought you were referencing "Grisham's Law" and i'm guessing theres little eroticism in HIS writing
this is such a mature if playful piece
your wife must/should be proud! lol
thanks for reminder as i had wandered into Mary's fine memoir at mid point but even there it pulls one in entirely
thomas mcguane once had a character in his novel "Object of Desire" say:
"I wanted her as bad as poison"
which always said more to me than anything hemingway might about "the earth moving"
but all of it is a universally intriguin topic i believe
hmmm like food writing? 🤣😇